Royal Whining

[kingforboth]

[Kelson looks miserable, he's depressed and whiny on good days, and with Sorrow's resurrection everything he's tried to hold back is overflowing again. His eyes bright with tears, Kelson's struggling not to shed. His crown is lying somewhere, it’s certainly not on his head right now, his black hair undone from it’s normal braid.]

God help me why wasn’t I paying attention? If I was really in control and really a king I would have noticed. I should have been able to prevent it all. But I didn’t. Why hadn’t I been more careful with Llewell? I didn’t think he’d hurt his own sister. I didn’t notice until she gasped and by then he’d already killed her.

And then he had the audacity to glare at me before the executioner cut his head off. He looked at me with such hated. Why did he look at me like that? I wasn’t the one who killed her! He committed sacrilegious murder in front of hundreds of witnesses. I don’t think I can get married in that church again without seeing her blood everywhere.

I’m so tired of killing in order to bring peace. I want to be able to create life, not death. But all too often all I’ve got is death.

[Kelson shook his head, fighting to keep the tears from falling, twisting a woman’s wedding ring on his little finger, the ring once stained with blood, no longer fit to go on another’s finger. It wasn’t a good ring, but he couldn’t let go either.]

I had to killed her father. He wouldn’t surrender, so I shot him. Right there, on his horse. I just cut him down like a dog.

I killed his other son too. I didn’t even allow him to see a priest before he died. I just ordered my sergeant to haul him up on the nearby tree. God knows he deserved it. I know he did, I saw and felt first hand what he'd had done to innocent people. But I was supposed to be better. I took oaths to temper justice with mercy, but I didn’t feel like being merciful. He hadn’t been.

A friend came after me and asked me if I enjoyed it. He actually had to ask me.

[Kelson takes a shaky breath, unsure whether he can go on and keep going but this last one. This was one was most recent and close and painful.]

Do you know what’s worst of all? I knew my cousin was arrogant, I knew he was childish and jealous and I didn’t do anything. I thought he’d grow out of it. That maybe with a little experience he’d grow into a good man. Now he’s not going to grow up at all.

I’m sorry for the wasted life and all the hurt and pain. I’m sorry I had to behead my own damn cousin. I’m sorry he died weeping and it took the executioner 3 strikes to finish it. I’m sorry he left two children behind, that will never know their father. I’m sorry I’ll never be able to see the man I hoped he’d grow up to be.

[He catches his breath, taking a few minutes to try and collect himself, still wracked with guilt. He’s almost surprised anyone’s let him go on this long, and tries some humor, trying to force himself back into good spirits. It’s not working.]

To make it worse, I’ve been stuck here and haven’t gone to Mass in ages. Bishop Duncan is going to have me saying Pater Nosters until I’m fifty.

Does anyone have a sedative? I think I’d like to sleep unencumbered by dreams.

Comments

video (cw: drug mention)

[outofthefire]

[Laura's being tormented by her own regrets--and she has many--but Kelson seems like he's in a bad spot, so she's trying to pull herself together enough to respond to this]

I don't have a sedative, but. . . there are pot plants available. That might at least make you feel a little better.

Re: video (cw: drug mention)

[kingforboth]

What's that? You know what? It doesn't matter. If it will help, sure.

Re: video (cw: drug mention)

[outofthefire]

Okay. Where do you live? I'll get some and meet you there.

Re: video (cw: drug mention)

[kingforboth]

Spire four, 201.
Thank you.

[roseofthetyrells]

[Margaery is tormented by her own ghosts of the past, many of which revolve around the people she had to step on to attain the crown she wore before her death, but she does understand the pain that goes into wearing a crown. perhaps she can help here (and distract herself from her own woes)]

No one said that wearing a crown was a simple thing. At times, one must. . . do what they must in order to bring something like peace to a realm.

[kingforboth]

That's what they keep telling me. And that it wont be the last. It's just not fair.

I know what I have to do. But no one said I had to like it.

[roseofthetyrells]

You're right, it's not fair. But when has life ever been fair?

No, you don't have to like it. In fact, it's better that you don't, so that actions like you had to take are a last resort rather than the first option.

(Video; Private to Kelson.)

[stonebird]

(She is still. Each breath is measured, controlled. His story brings her back to King's Landing and her scars ache, reminding her that they are not so very old. Joffrey the monstrous King is no more - physically - but the worst part of him lives on in her brain. It takes a few minutes to separate the image of him, laughing, mocking, shouting from Kelson.

He isn't the same.

How do you know?

Because if he is, I must kill him.

So the wolf inside of her isn't asleep after all.)

You...need to face what has been done. I know it's hard. I know. But you must. Running from it makes it worse; it makes it grow.

Examine what you did and why you did it. Was it done out of malice? Cruelty? Or were you simply seeking justice in the best way you knew how.

Re: (Video; Private to Kelson.)

[kingforboth]

[Scars never heal perfectly, even when set and sutured with a healers touch, the memory of the pain of the wound will always be there. Kelson knew that, as much as he may have offer to blur Margaery's memory of traumatic events, often we need our pain to ground us. Or else we lose who we are because of them.

He knows holding a crown means holding yourself to a higher standard. Kelson just wished he hadn't failed so utterly. Or had he? Was there anything different he could have done, given the situation and his inexperience? Kelson liked to think so, but Kelson's mind was often not good to him.]

You do right to reproach me. I let vengeance impede my honor.

[Kelson found himself watching Sansa. Her language wasn't as polished and practiced as his father's friend, no, his friend had been, but the point was still the same. Figure out why you did it, where you went wrong, and how you can learn to change in the future.]

(Video; Private to Kelson.)

[stonebird]

(She can speak with far more flourish and polish, but what would be the point? Her throat and chest are tight and there is an old fear alive and well in her Tully blue eyes. Getting to the point is easiest and she hopes he understands that she is coming from a good place. A Stark place.)

I do not reproach you, sire. I too have partaken of sedatives in the past, but I awoke to my problems. They only disappear for a time and the longer you turn away from them, the longer they will haunt you.

The nature of your kin is unknown to me, but there can only be one answer to murder. A life for a life.

(In a just world anyway.)

You can be forgiven your anger. You are human and leaders are not immune to pain. In fact, they should feel it the most.

text

[abyssalarcana]

not a bad body count for your age
keep it up!

Re: text

[kingforboth]

[Oh, Caedra, those were just the ones he felt guilty about!]
Have you nothing better to do?

[abyssalarcana]

i think its very important to encourage the youth of today to live up to their fullest potential!

[crippled]

[See: Ivar knew this one had potential. That something vicious lurked beneath that soft face he'd been presenting all this time. Now if only he wasn't so remorseful about all of it, that really does take the shine off. But hey, nobody's perfect, right? It just means Ivar will have to work on him a little bit.]

Surely all of that would require a sacrifice, huh? Not just some words.

[Ivar takes care not to let his tone venture anywhere near taunting, but he is absolutely here to taunt.]

[kingforboth]

[If only Ivar knew those were only the ones he felt guilty about! As for the guilt, well, Ivar must have gleaned some inkling hanging around some christians to know just how much they value their guilt.]

Words can be very powerful, I think. And I've had quite enough of sacrifices for the time being. But I do wish there was a priest here to guide me.

[crippled]

A strange thing to wish for. What could a priest do for you?

[The only priest Ivar ever held any conversation with was a violent zealot that he was Super Into because of all that violent zealotry, so he straight up has no idea about the counseling aspect to priesthood. (He has an unfortunate habit of murdering all the other ones he comes across...... listen, that's not important right now, since he feels exactly zero guilt over it.)]

private video

[bythewaves]

[ Hilariously the latest storm has... not really done much of anything to Maglor. What? He perpetually self-flagellates. This sort of emotion is every tuesday. ]

'War must be, while we defend our lives against a destroyer who would devour all; but I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend' a wise man said once. Did you do what you did to protect? Then ill done it may have been but less ill than the alternative.

Re: private video

[kingforboth]

[Kelson had endeavored not to become his mother, so instead of self-flagellating constantly, he does it in rounds. Who is to say which was healthier?]

That's very true. It could be said I did what I did to protect. I certainly did not want others to meet a similar fate, and I know it saved lives down the line. But in some instances, I wanted vengeance and I let it govern me instead of mercy.

It would not have changed the situation if I had allowed those men time to collect themselves. Some, are just tragic. My uncle is so horrified and dishonored by his son's actions he will not speak his name. He wont see his grandchildren.

private video

[bythewaves]

I know that feeling well. [ He murmurs ]

But what's done is done - and if you saved a few lives by it, I think it not ill done. That is always the burden of a ruler. To be first in every battle and last in every retreat, to judge with both mercy and justice, to be a healer in peace, and a warrior in war. It is a hard task, and none can say they did not fail at least once. I think if you can say that your scales balance more towards mercy then vengeance then you are doing well indeed, and better than many!

video

[am_i_a_monster]

[Abigail looks at him sadly. There are a few tears falling down her cheeks, she's past caring about keeping up appearances.]

There are no answers to questions like why you weren't paying attention, why you couldn't prevent it. Nothing will make you feel better for the lives that were taken, no matter how sorry you are. And the nightmares never stop.

I'm sorry too.

Re: video

[kingforboth]

[Far be it from Kelson to let something like tears and utter sorrow get in the way of his manners.]

You're troubled too. I only wish a fair and beautiful flower such as yourself had no reason for such tears.

[To him it sounded like it took one to know one.]

The nightmares stop when you don't dream.

video

[am_i_a_monster]

[A smile flickers across her face for an instant and then disappears again. He could only think of her as beautiful since he didn't know her or her ugly scars. She shakes her head.]

They don't stop. They turn into flashbacks or hallucinations. They're always there.

video;

[hotspurred]

It befits not a king to declare his weakness to all present. Evidently your conscience is in need of a priest.

[Henry frowns as he speaks. In the background the inside of the Guard HQ is visible. Enough of the gorget he wears shows in the video feed to suggest that he is a knight. He doesn't mean to be cruel with his words; it's simply his nature to be direct and often sharp. He is not heartless, however.]

We cannot undo our mistakes. Yet we may ensure that we never repeat them. Reflect, but do not lose yourself in your regrets. When you falter so too shall your rule.

[Henry crosses himself with a gauntleted hand and adds lowly:]

May God rest your wife's soul. You are not culpable for her brother's evil.

Re: video;

[kingforboth]

[Kelson lowered his head momentarily, thoroughly rebuked, but he found a soft smile tracing on his lips, despite everything. This man wasn't Morgan, that wasn't his champion and friend rebuking him and gently or not so gently guiding him, but it was close. And in this place, it was like a life line.]

Amen [Kelson whispers it and likewise crosses himself.]

You do right to me sir knight. I only wish when we were taken that someone had seen fit to take a priest as well. Or mayhaps an entire church. I would very much like a priest.

[Not like confessing had really helped terribly in the past, but that was an inherent weakness in Kelson, as well as his mother. The inability to let go. At least he hadn't retired to a convent to starve himself yet.]

Tell me, does it make a difference here? So set apart from who we were and the lands we came from? Or must we continue as we were taught, for being apart from our lands does not change who we are?

[hotspurred]

[That's not the easiest question to answer, even after years living in Hadriel. Henry's brows draw in and he touches his plated knuckles to his mouth. It takes him a moment to find his words.]

...Certainly there is no power in your name nor title. You bear no responsibility aside from that which you choose to take upon yourself. You deeds will have no consequences for your subjects — only for yourself. None, save a rare few, shall expect of you a king's dignity and character, and few care for honour or righteousness in this place. What was impossible whence we came is not always thus here. Do not expect to remain the same man.

[Conviction rings clear in his expression and voice.]

Yet I maintain that we must be steadfast in our principles. When I swore my oath of knighthood afore God and my king, I meant every word. A mere change in circumstances alters that not. So tell me, Your Majesty, the vows you made at your coronation... what mean they to you?