>> video.

[inthewar]

[ He has no idea what the fuck is going on, but he knows he's never felt like this before. He's reflected on the things he regrets, of course, and he's been haunted by the choices he made in certain situations, but he carries on with the business of living well enough. He takes what he can get, what joy he can find, and he focuses on that.

So, what the fuck. ]

Anyone else feeling pretty shitty almost non-stop?

[ He has no shame in talking to people, why the hell not? He has nothing to hide in expressing his emotions, though that doesn't at all mean he's ready or willing to just confess all his sins to whoever the hell is listening right now. He's got some measure of control still. ]

I was a fucking asshole once. I get it. I know it.

But whatever this feeling is now - shit. It's this place, right? It's gotta be.

[ And he has this desperate, almost suffocating need to fix the terrible things he's done, but he can't. He's just paralyzed by this overwhelming feeling of being an irredeemable asshole. ]

Comments

text

[inthewar]

awesome. yay me.
I've been talking to myself about it a lot, does that count? I've found out I'm really not helpful

[ And yes, what he did was pretty awful. ]

[abyssalarcana]

sounds like you answered your own question
not only did you do something terrible but also cant even help yourself
guess the gods just want to remind you of all that failure

[inthewar]

That I'm a sack of shit. Good stuff. All this shit I did - I never felt like this before so it's just a fun side effect of being here, I take it? Guess it won't stop.

[ He honestly doesn't know how to handle that, the idea of it just smothering him slowly. ]

[abyssalarcana]

yeah everyone gets a special effect from the gods you know
a sign of how they judge you for your past
some of us not going to name names get to feel eternally happy and blessed and get free gifts and favoritism because we are excellent
meanwhile you will forever feel like shit so
guess you fucked up

[inthewar]

Oh so I'm just that fucking special. Got it. Lucky for me. And you were a fucking saint, I take it?

[abyssalarcana]

naturally
perfect in every way
look obviously youre not alone but at least whatever you did cant be as bad as other people right like you should watch out for that kelson kid
i hear hes a mass murderer

[inthewar]

The fuck? Like, he got a thrill out of it? I mean, I've killed people in combat. Bad people who were gonna kill good people. But it's nothing I like doing.

[abyssalarcana]

he claims he didnt enjoy it but it could be a lie
all boo hoo woe is me to try and gain sympathy
its a lot for a kid too probably more than you
pretty suspicious

[inthewar]

Well there you go, you made me feel better and I didn't even need to find a priest and say a Hail Mary or whatever the fuck religious people do.

text ; video

[abyssalarcana]

you feel better because theres a teenage boy who kills people here
ok

[No that's dumb he's probably being sarcastic but it's impossible to tell over text. How does this thing work again? Why do people who like to think of themselves as advanced rely on this piece of shit phone for-

oop there's the video setting! She looks momentarily delighted and it takes her a second to make sure it's actually pointed at her face because where do you look in these things anyway]

Oh! There we go. I'm still learning how this thing works. But! You've killed people in combat? So you're a soldier? Sounds exciting. And not something you should feel bad about either, right? War is necessary. You must have had a lot of people to protect.

[inthewar]

[ He raises an eyebrow as she fumbles with the settings, but when he can finally see her face, he manages a little smirk. ]

Nice to put a pretty face to a wall of text.

And uh - yeah, I mean. I mostly protected people.

[ There was more to it, and fuck, he's so upset right now that he can't seem to quell the need to just confess all of it. To a fucking stranger, no less. ]

[abyssalarcana]

You're not bad yourself.

[She grins. Okay, he's not amazing either, but she doesn't mind returning the flattery. It's not his fault that he's just human. There aren't many other prospects here for her anyway.]

Mostly, well - that makes all the difference, doesn't it. I'm sure you had to kill, that's what soldiers do, but think of everyone who must be alive because of you. Whoever you were fighting would have done awful things had you not been there.

[This, Caedra knows, is just about the one time she's actually willing to encourage and comfort mortals - when doing so also means encouraging them to engage in wars and kill each other even more rapidly. Maybe not here, with this one, but he'll go home some day.]

[inthewar]

[ Not bad. Eh, he'll take it. He doesn't have a sensitive ego or anything. ]

Yeah. Yeah. You're not wrong.

[ The grey area, of course, involves the contract killings he did. Did he really need to kill those people? That's debatable. They weren't enemies engaging him in a conflict zone, he wasn't defending himself outright. It's a little more muddled. They were bad, evil people, hurting lots of good people. So in a way, he guesses, he was still protecting people. As much as he could. Then it all changed so fast. ]

Really could do without feeling like I have to spill my fucking guts to everyone who talks to me, though.

[abyssalarcana]

It'll pass, probably. I guess I don't know firsthand, that's just what everyone says. I haven't been here a whole lot longer than you have -

[She pauses, checks the message logs for his name]

- Damien. [She grins a little.] Cute name.

[inthewar]

Has anyone ever told you that you have a real knack for reassuring people, honey?

[ It's probably easier to detect the sarcasm now, thanks to the video feature. ]

So what does my cute name get me?

[abyssalarcana]

[Ah yes. Indeed. To be expected, of course - it just means he's not a complete idiot.]

Your cute name doesn't get you much at all, that's on your parents for selecting well. If you want something from me you'll have to work a little harder than that. Tell me about your war.

[inthewar]

[ Ah well, he likes a good challenge. ]

You really wanna hear my fucking sob story? Shit. Well. One war ended for me and a whole other kind of war took its place. You know much about contract killing? Like a mercenary?

[abyssalarcana]

[One person's sob story is another's delightful tale of misery and death. She does her best to mask her excitement though, hearing his tone, and while she's at it she'll also pretend she's never ever sold her services to another to kill. Nope. Never done that.]

I've heard about that, yeah. I mean, mercenaries do all sorts of things for pay, right? Killing must make the best money though. It sounds so risky.

[inthewar]

All kinds of things. Killing's the worst of it. Don't give a fuck how much I get paid if it's a job I don't believe in. The people I killed were fucking evil. The way I figured it, I was keeping people safe, like in the military. In a different way, but - same concept, and the money was just a perk.

Then I got blindsided: planted a bomb in a guy's car, didn't know he was bringing his kid to school that morning. Didn't even know he had a kid. My intel was fucked. [ He has to pause and take a breath. He doesn't get the impression she sees the full horror in this, but it's a story he has to tell regardless. It's his guilty conscience. ] No one but me cared. Just ended up being a fucking game to everyone else. Not to me. An innocent kid gets killed? That's fucking horrible.

[abyssalarcana]

[She nods, slowly. Understands the gravity of what he says, even if she feels no empathy for what he went through. Children die all the time. Their age doesn't make their deaths more meaningful. She frowns, too, looking upset. She knows how to act convincingly.]

That's awful. Your - intel, you mean your orders? Fucked is one way to put that, they sound completely malicious. They must have had a reason though, right? Thought it was worth it, to take out someone who was a threat to even more people?

[Caedra doesn't even know yet why she's bothering to play along. Boredom, maybe. She'll see where this goes, if it keeps her interest or not.]

[inthewar]

[ For Damien, it's a totally different story. He cares about any innocent person, but kids are especially his soft spot. ]

The guy - yeah. He was evil, pure and simple. But his kid didn't deserve any part of that. That was the last job I ever did for them, the CIA. Fuck them.

[abyssalarcana]

[She nods. Mimics looking solemn, understanding. Tries to recall, amongst all this conversation, what a car is because when he said it a few moments ago was not the first time she's heard the word here. Maybe she'll ask later, if it comes up again.]

You did the right thing, leaving them. I know of people who are determined to follow orders, to pass off blame onto others, but that way is cowardly. Too many people are too afraid to stand up for themselves.

[And all of that is earnest, and sounds it. Individualism is an admirable trait.]

So what then? Did you find someone else who would appreciate your talents? Because you do sound remarkably skilled.

[inthewar]

[ Well, right now, she's saying all the right things, and it helps to have someone to listen. It doesn't hurt to hear the compliment about being remarkably skilled, either. ]

Went solo for a while, traveled around. Got recruited to help uh, with counter-terrorism. You know much about that?

[ He pauses and then shrugs a little. ]

Basics are just: chasing bad guys around again, just on a smaller scale. It's me and my partner, basically. Us against the world. Keeping people safe, blowing shit up in the process.

[ He honestly likes that part, he's a bit of an adrenaline junkie. ]

[abyssalarcana]

[She almost responds to his question, but the blank look on her face must have said enough given that he goes about trying to explain. Anyway, she certainly knows what terror is so it's not hard to guess at the meaning, if not the specifics.

And his explanation, well - she can see how it makes him light up a little, through his sorrow, and she smiles back. Especially at 'blowing shit up', where that smile becomes broader.]

Exciting. I've done a fair amount of that myself. It's exhilarating, isn't it? I'd love to hear stories. I can even trade you a few of mine, if you're interested. I think our worlds must be very different - I've never heard of some of the things you talk about.

[inthewar]

[ He feels a huge measure of guilt for instantly agreeing with her because yes, that adrenaline rush is exhilarating. On some level, he'll always be chasing that "high," that rush. Chasing bad people gets his blood pumping.

But what does it mean that he doesn't mind the chaos it causes around him? ]

It's pretty fucking exhilarating, yeah. I feel like it shouldn't be. I don't know why the fuck I like it so much. [ Again, things he would never typically say out loud to a complete stranger. Fuck all this stuff with his emotions. ] But I wanna hear your stories, too. You wanna meet up somewhere?