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[ He has no idea what the fuck is going on, but he knows he's never felt like this before. He's reflected on the things he regrets, of course, and he's been haunted by the choices he made in certain situations, but he carries on with the business of living well enough. He takes what he can get, what joy he can find, and he focuses on that.

So, what the fuck. ]

Anyone else feeling pretty shitty almost non-stop?

[ He has no shame in talking to people, why the hell not? He has nothing to hide in expressing his emotions, though that doesn't at all mean he's ready or willing to just confess all his sins to whoever the hell is listening right now. He's got some measure of control still. ]

I was a fucking asshole once. I get it. I know it.

But whatever this feeling is now - shit. It's this place, right? It's gotta be.

[ And he has this desperate, almost suffocating need to fix the terrible things he's done, but he can't. He's just paralyzed by this overwhelming feeling of being an irredeemable asshole. ]

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Even me, baby. I'm the queen of the assholes. [ she raises an eyebrow at him. ] And I know your mouth is filthy but you can't be all bad.

I'm no fucking saint, promise you that. What do you say about a guy who killed people? Not just in combat, but took people out? Hired by other people to do it.

[ Because why not confess his sins, right. Like that makes any of this better. Fuck.

But he feels like he has to. ]

[ her expression softens. ] I say sometimes people don't have a choice, and they do things they might disagree with or hate because that's the circumstances they've been handed. And they just do they best they can.

[ He honestly...feels like he can breathe again for a minute. Since this all started - this intense self-loathing and reflection on his past sins - it's been so fucking overwhelming. But someone gets it. And doesn't think he's just a damn monster. ]

My contracts - the people I was hired to kill - they were bad, shitty people. They hurt a lot of people, innocent people. I told myself I was doing some good, you know? Takin' them out. Then I fucking - one of them had his kid in the car with him. Just that one day. That one...fucking mistake. Car blows up, kills him and that little boy.

And my handler - the one who gave me all those jobs - she thought it was just a fucking game. Oh, big deal, move on. Fucking psycho. No. No. Not for me. I wasn't gonna just move on and forget that kid.

[ He was asked once if he'd ever forgive himself for that, and no. No, he doesn't think he can. ]

I'm sorry, Damien. [ she's seen some real shit in her life but his story is awful. she can see why it weighs on him. it would weigh on her too. ]

It's not your fault. How could you have known? You were trying to do the right thing.

[ He shakes his head a little, trying to clear his thoughts and pull himself out of this weird, unfamiliar spiral of dark thoughts. ]

No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have - shit, you don't need to hear this. I don't know why I'm saying it. [ Well, he knows why, he just hates it. ]

You know I wanted to kill her, too? My handler. None of it mattered to her, the people we hurt. I wanted to kill her for it, I almost did.

[ He shakes his head again. ]

I'm not a killer. I don't want innocent people getting killed, not ever.

It's okay. I've seen worse and I've done terrible things too. You're not alone.

[ she sighs. ] Wanting to kill someone for what they did to hurt someone else, someone who was innocent or someone you loved... that doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human.

What you've done doesn't change how I think about you.

Edited 2018-04-28 03:24 (UTC)

[ There's just the barest hint of a smile gracing his lips for a moment. ]

That's just 'cause you're pretty fucking special.

[ That what he said wouldn't change what she thinks of him, he means. She understands, and that makes her pretty damn amazing in his mind. ]

I know you've seen some real shit, too. You know if I could uh - I don't know - get to where you were? I'd do whatever I could to make it better. I don't fucking know how so it's all just big ideas, you know, but I really would try.

[ that gets a smile out of her. ] Whatever you could, huh? Doctor Damien at my personal service? [ there's a light tone of teasing to her voice, but the idea of company sounds pretty good. Cashmere usually does her best not to think about what she's done but like everyone else, it's on her mind lately. ]

Well, if you feel inspired, here's where I live. [ she texts him a sketched map of the city, marking a couple landmarks and her home. ] We can talk about our shittiness or not talk about it. We'll figure it out as we go along.

This feels like some kind of reward for all the shit going on here right now. Get to come see you? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'll be there, honey.

[ In all seriousness, though, he definitely wants company, too. She's kind of the best person he could think of to hang out with right now. ]

Maybe all that talking could turn into a drinking game. [ He smirks a little. But he's already studying the map and figuring out how to get to her. ] See you in a few.

[ He doesn't know this place super well yet, but the map helps, and he gets to her pretty quickly, knocking at her door. ]

House call from Doctor Damien.

[ Cashmere answers the door with a bottle of white liquor in one hand - Hadriel's closest approximation of vodka, and flashes a grin at him. ]

Hello, Doctor. I've got that medicine you ordered.

[ she leads him inside, settling on the overstuff, oddly shaped couch. ] How are you feeling? I'm sure today isn't your favorite day here so far.

[ If anyone could pull a smile out of him right now, it'd definitely be her. So at the sight of her - and the liquor - he flashes a smile before stepping inside. ]

Damn. Who's taking care of who right now? You got the good stuff.

[ He waits until she settles on the couch before following suit, letting out a breath and leaning back, folding one arm behind his head and just rubbing at his hair a little. ]

Pretty fucking...wiped out. Not tired, just drained. Make sense? I wanna stop thinking.

[ she nods, pouring them each a glass of the liquor. ] Yeah, I know what you mean. All the things I try not to think about - lately it's all I can think about.

[ she hands him his glass. ] This will all go away eventually. It always does. Of course, now everyone's business is already out there, but we can pretend we don't know.

[ He gives her a little nod of thanks as she pours his glass and hands it over, though he waits for a moment to sip from it. ] Alright, when this is over, I'm counting on you to act like none of this ever happened.

[ He smirks a little and it doesn't quite meet his eyes because well, there's a strange comfort in just sharing all that shit and knowing it's not something he has to worry about being judged for later, but it's also not what he wanted to burden her with since he's just getting to know her. She's taken it well, though, thank fuck.

And now, he raises his glass a little. ] But hey, we've earned this drink so...we need a toast. Keep it simple, right? To us: we're kind of fucked, but we're fucked together so shit's not too bad.

[ she clinks her glass against his. ] To being fucked, together.

[ and he might catch her wink as she follows that toast with a large sip. it's not magic, but relaxing on the couch with a drink sure beats the alternative of trying to talk herself out of also making a network post to confess her sins. ]

Did you ever talk to anybody at home about what happened? A doctor, I mean. Do people do that where you're from?

[ He does catch her wink, and honestly she may be the only one who can make this whole situation a hell of a lot better right now. There's a hint of a playful smirk on his lips for a moment in return, and then he chases that with a few sips of his own. ]

We have people like that. Therapists. Never talked to anyone, but I probably should have. If I knew I would have ended up in a weird fucked-up world that played around with my emotions, maybe I would've gotten a jump on that. [ He laughs a little, shaking his head before looking over at her again. ] So since we're sharing: what fucked up shit have you done? Confession's the trend right now.

Oooh. [ she figured he'd ask, eventually. part of her hates telling people about home because some people take it really rough. it's shitty to upset people with things about her life that she'd just accepted. ] Okay. Fair's fair.

When I was a kid - eight - my parents sent my brother and me to a special training school. That's where I learned to fight, among other things. After a decade of training, I volunteered to represent our district in the Games. The Games are an annual event where all twelve districts offer a boy and a girl as tribute. Twenty-four kids, somewhere between 12 and 18. All the tributes are put an arena, and they stay there until one is left alive.

[ she pauses to let him absorb that for a moment. ] I won. I didn't kill all of them, but I killed some of them. There was this boy, he was from Six. I think he was 17. He was big, and I was afraid of him. He fell off the raft and he couldn't swim. I held him under the swampy water until he stopped moving.

[ Cashmere sighs, and takes another drink. she feels guilty about all that now, even though she knows he would have tried to kill her the first chance he got. ] After I won, I trained kids from my district to compete, and went with them to the Capitol when it was their turn. Most of them didn't come home. [ she feels guiltier about that. ]

[ she looks at him, expectantly. what else can she say? ] It's just how things are at home.

[ That prompts him to finish the rest of his glass in one large sip, and when she's done, he just takes a moment to absorb and process this. So that's most of her story, in a nutshell. And it all sounds like it was pretty fucking terrible. ]

Cash - fuck. I don't even know what to say. [ It's not because he thinks she did anything wrong, just that she had to go through all of that. But then he sets his glass down, reaching out to cover her wrist lightly. ] That was a horrible, fucked life you had to live back there. No one should have to go through that. Now I get why here's a better place to be and I mean - shit, I don't want you to ever have to go back there.

[ she moves her hand - not away, but so that she can intertwine her fingers with his. ] I don't want to go back either. [ she chuckles: ] Besides, I'm dead and there's a big war. It really puts a cramp in my retirement plans.

[ the weight in her chest feels a little lighter having gotten most of her fucked up life summary out. the rest can wait till some other time. ] I know none of that is normal but I don't know who I'd be if I hadn't gone through all that and I like who I am. Is that crazy? That I don't regret all of it? Sometimes I don't regret any of it. I was surviving.

[ Now he knows where she picked up her skills, too. It all makes sense. But he also gets what she's saying. With their fingers laced together, he strokes his thumb across her wrist lightly. ]

Yeah. You're not going anywhere, not if I have anything to say about it. [ Fuck, and she's dead, too? Not like he has much say in any of what happens here, but he'll sure as hell try. He wants to ask her more about that, her death, but it's a lot of terrible stuff to bring up all at once so he'll give them both a little breathing room. ]

And no, it's not crazy, honey. You did what you had to do, and as far as I'm concerned, you turned out pretty fucking awesome. [ At last, a smile breaks through. More like his authentic self, and not this guilt-ridden sad fuck. ] I like who you are, too. I like you a whole lot.

[ she smiles back. ] Of course I'm awesome. I'm beautiful, smart, and funny. I can kick almost anyone's ass. And I'm very modest about all of my talents. [ in honesty, she appreciates him saying that. after hearing about other people's worlds it can be hard to not feel damaged, or at the very least like she got a really raw deal. ]

I like you too. I'm glad you're here even if it is some weird alien hell hole. It's nice having someone around who gets it. I can tell you get it.

[ He gets a kick out of it when she talks herself up. Firstly, because he agrees with her entirely, and secondly, he hopes she really does believe all that about herself because she is beautiful, smart, and funny, among many other things. ] You're the coolest person around here, honey. [ She must have a ton of people chasing after her, he thinks. Maybe not to settle down - who the fuck could, in a place like this - but just to be close to her, connected to her. ]

It means a lot to uh...kind of feel known. Understood. I know what you mean. [ So yes, he definitely gets it. ] And just so you know, you can kick my ass anytime. Please. [ He adds that last part with a grin. ]

Now that you're here, you're a close second to me.

[ Cashmere keeps to herself a lot, because sometimes she's not sure she knows how to connect with someone in a normal way. maybe it's some of those same survival she relied on at home.

her expression brightens at the suggestion of kicking his ass. ] Really? Cause I could use someone to workout with and if I can't hold my own against someone your size, then I might as well just give up.

Guess I am pretty cool.

[ He grins, and it's clear that he's at least coming out of the fog of pretty terrible, dark thoughts that had been weighing so heavy on him. ]

And yeah. Anytime. But if you bang me up real bad, promise to kiss and make it better?

[ beautiful women make excellent distractions. ]

Why do I feel like you're going to purposely take a punch to the face at first opportunity?

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