hadriel | >> video.

[ He has no idea what the fuck is going on, but he knows he's never felt like this before. He's reflected on the things he regrets, of course, and he's been haunted by the choices he made in certain situations, but he carries on with the business of living well enough. He takes what he can get, what joy he can find, and he focuses on that.

So, what the fuck. ]

Anyone else feeling pretty shitty almost non-stop?

[ He has no shame in talking to people, why the hell not? He has nothing to hide in expressing his emotions, though that doesn't at all mean he's ready or willing to just confess all his sins to whoever the hell is listening right now. He's got some measure of control still. ]

I was a fucking asshole once. I get it. I know it.

But whatever this feeling is now - shit. It's this place, right? It's gotta be.

[ And he has this desperate, almost suffocating need to fix the terrible things he's done, but he can't. He's just paralyzed by this overwhelming feeling of being an irredeemable asshole. ]

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It sounds pretty fucking grueling. So what are the upsides?

That's because it is.

The upsides are, I can heal anything, even something that would kill an ordinary human. I don't technically have to eat, sleep, or breathe. And I'm never going to get any older. Or gain any weight. Which is nice.

Too bad you can't share a little of those perks. Do you ever miss feeling tired or hungry, or nah?

[ It could be nice not to ever have to eat or sleep, but he wonders if you'd miss those sensations after a while. ]

I guess? Most people wouldn't like the trade-off, though. And I try to keep a "normal" [she makes finger quotes] eating and sleeping schedule. So I don't weird people out.

[during the Null invasion, she went two weeks without eating or sleeping. by the end of it, she felt simultaneously exhausted and wired. it was a bad time]

Yeah. Makes sense. [ In all of this discussion about being a Grim Reaper, though, something's been overlooked on his end, and the tone of his voice changes a little, softer now. ] You mind me asking what happened to you? I know that's a hell of a fucking thing for a stranger to ask, so tell me to shut my damn mouth if you need to.

...well. It's just a really stupid way to die. You'll probably laugh. Most people do. [she looks resigned to the inevitable]

Might surprise you. Come on, hit me. I'll go easy on you, whatever it is.

Okay. [she takes a deep breath] You remember the Russian space station, Mir? When they decommissioned it, it was supposed to all burn up in the atmosphere, but some of it made it to Seattle.

So there I was, on my lunch break from a truly lousy temp job and the seat of a zero-G toilet seat kind of. . . landed on me. And I exploded.

[she looks like she's bracing herself for laughter]

Holy...shit. That uh...that's gotta be one of the most fucked up things I've ever heard.

That fucking random?

[ So he's definitely not laughing, he's just incredulous. ]

I know, right? It's total bullshit.

That fucking random. And the next thing I know, I'm being drafted into becoming a Grim Reaper.

The universe, or whatever the hell is out there pulling the strings, is really fucking with all of us. Goddamn.

Yeah, no kidding. I'd like to know who's getting their kicks out of all of this so I can punch 'em in the balls.