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>> video.
[ He has no idea what the fuck is going on, but he knows he's never felt like this before. He's reflected on the things he regrets, of course, and he's been haunted by the choices he made in certain situations, but he carries on with the business of living well enough. He takes what he can get, what joy he can find, and he focuses on that.
So, what the fuck. ]
Anyone else feeling pretty shitty almost non-stop?
[ He has no shame in talking to people, why the hell not? He has nothing to hide in expressing his emotions, though that doesn't at all mean he's ready or willing to just confess all his sins to whoever the hell is listening right now. He's got some measure of control still. ]
I was a fucking asshole once. I get it. I know it.
But whatever this feeling is now - shit. It's this place, right? It's gotta be.
[ And he has this desperate, almost suffocating need to fix the terrible things he's done, but he can't. He's just paralyzed by this overwhelming feeling of being an irredeemable asshole. ]
So, what the fuck. ]
Anyone else feeling pretty shitty almost non-stop?
[ He has no shame in talking to people, why the hell not? He has nothing to hide in expressing his emotions, though that doesn't at all mean he's ready or willing to just confess all his sins to whoever the hell is listening right now. He's got some measure of control still. ]
I was a fucking asshole once. I get it. I know it.
But whatever this feeling is now - shit. It's this place, right? It's gotta be.
[ And he has this desperate, almost suffocating need to fix the terrible things he's done, but he can't. He's just paralyzed by this overwhelming feeling of being an irredeemable asshole. ]
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[ He smirks a little and it doesn't quite meet his eyes because well, there's a strange comfort in just sharing all that shit and knowing it's not something he has to worry about being judged for later, but it's also not what he wanted to burden her with since he's just getting to know her. She's taken it well, though, thank fuck.
And now, he raises his glass a little. ] But hey, we've earned this drink so...we need a toast. Keep it simple, right? To us: we're kind of fucked, but we're fucked together so shit's not too bad.
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[ and he might catch her wink as she follows that toast with a large sip. it's not magic, but relaxing on the couch with a drink sure beats the alternative of trying to talk herself out of also making a network post to confess her sins. ]
Did you ever talk to anybody at home about what happened? A doctor, I mean. Do people do that where you're from?
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We have people like that. Therapists. Never talked to anyone, but I probably should have. If I knew I would have ended up in a weird fucked-up world that played around with my emotions, maybe I would've gotten a jump on that. [ He laughs a little, shaking his head before looking over at her again. ] So since we're sharing: what fucked up shit have you done? Confession's the trend right now.
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When I was a kid - eight - my parents sent my brother and me to a special training school. That's where I learned to fight, among other things. After a decade of training, I volunteered to represent our district in the Games. The Games are an annual event where all twelve districts offer a boy and a girl as tribute. Twenty-four kids, somewhere between 12 and 18. All the tributes are put an arena, and they stay there until one is left alive.
[ she pauses to let him absorb that for a moment. ] I won. I didn't kill all of them, but I killed some of them. There was this boy, he was from Six. I think he was 17. He was big, and I was afraid of him. He fell off the raft and he couldn't swim. I held him under the swampy water until he stopped moving.
[ Cashmere sighs, and takes another drink. she feels guilty about all that now, even though she knows he would have tried to kill her the first chance he got. ] After I won, I trained kids from my district to compete, and went with them to the Capitol when it was their turn. Most of them didn't come home. [ she feels guiltier about that. ]
[ she looks at him, expectantly. what else can she say? ] It's just how things are at home.
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Cash - fuck. I don't even know what to say. [ It's not because he thinks she did anything wrong, just that she had to go through all of that. But then he sets his glass down, reaching out to cover her wrist lightly. ] That was a horrible, fucked life you had to live back there. No one should have to go through that. Now I get why here's a better place to be and I mean - shit, I don't want you to ever have to go back there.
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[ the weight in her chest feels a little lighter having gotten most of her fucked up life summary out. the rest can wait till some other time. ] I know none of that is normal but I don't know who I'd be if I hadn't gone through all that and I like who I am. Is that crazy? That I don't regret all of it? Sometimes I don't regret any of it. I was surviving.
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Yeah. You're not going anywhere, not if I have anything to say about it. [ Fuck, and she's dead, too? Not like he has much say in any of what happens here, but he'll sure as hell try. He wants to ask her more about that, her death, but it's a lot of terrible stuff to bring up all at once so he'll give them both a little breathing room. ]
And no, it's not crazy, honey. You did what you had to do, and as far as I'm concerned, you turned out pretty fucking awesome. [ At last, a smile breaks through. More like his authentic self, and not this guilt-ridden sad fuck. ] I like who you are, too. I like you a whole lot.
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I like you too. I'm glad you're here even if it is some weird alien hell hole. It's nice having someone around who gets it. I can tell you get it.
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It means a lot to uh...kind of feel known. Understood. I know what you mean. [ So yes, he definitely gets it. ] And just so you know, you can kick my ass anytime. Please. [ He adds that last part with a grin. ]
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[ Cashmere keeps to herself a lot, because sometimes she's not sure she knows how to connect with someone in a normal way. maybe it's some of those same survival she relied on at home.
her expression brightens at the suggestion of kicking his ass. ] Really? Cause I could use someone to workout with and if I can't hold my own against someone your size, then I might as well just give up.
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[ He grins, and it's clear that he's at least coming out of the fog of pretty terrible, dark thoughts that had been weighing so heavy on him. ]
And yeah. Anytime. But if you bang me up real bad, promise to kiss and make it better?
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Why do I feel like you're going to purposely take a punch to the face at first opportunity?
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You really think I'd do that? [ He pretends to look offended for a moment, but the slight twinkle in his eyes gives that away. ] Shame I have to wait that long, but you know what they say about good things.
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Might as well put these arms to good use. [ He smirks a little, patting his own bicep and flexing it momentarily, in an exaggerated way, not taking himself too seriously at all. ]