hadriel | [3] video (post Delight's event)

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[3] video (post Delight's event)

(Newt's sitting cross-legged on the floor and has his phone set up to be set on him in a very steady image. He's got a sheet of paper with what looks like a map drawn on it next to another, slightly more different map. For anyone who bothers to look at the floor anyway. Newt, however, is not looking at the floor but at the camera itself.)

You know, I've been thinkin' bout the monsters here lately. Went explorin' out in the caves the other night and I kinda realized something. I know it's gonna sound bloody insane but hear me out.

I kind of feel for the monsters. I mean, think about it. They're being treated just as unfairly as all of us, aren't they? They were dragged outta their worlds too and thrown into this place. I know they're violent but they don't seem...that bad? Mostly they stick to the caves and yet we go on in there slaughtering them all of the time and not always for food. Maybe I'm wrong but...that doesn't feel right to me somehow. Throwing all these creatures into a small section of this place then just tearing them apart because the gods tell us they'll give us rewards for it.

And trust me, I'm no bloody saint there - I'm guilty of it too but now that I've taken a step back and really thought about it, I have no idea why I ever thought that was okay. They're not robots. They're living creatures. They feel pain too, don't they?

(Newt frowns, twisting at the ends of his sleeves.)

Half the time- no. More than half of the time they don't even do anything to us. So maybe we should stop killing them unless it's for food. I 'unno.

(He sighs, looking off to the side of his room. Maybe he doesn't understand the world enough to understand something like that. But then he looks as if he's remembered something and grabs the two pieces of paper and holds them up to the camera so that everyone can see. The maps are of the tunnels.

Except one is different.)

By the way, the tunnels change. Discovered that. I'm kind of disappointed. That's how our Maze was too so I can't say I'm all that shocked here. Our Maze would change every night and it turned out that if you aligned the patterns, they spelled out words. So if anyone cares about seeing why the tunnels change- there you go. Wish you luck.

(Annnnd that's about it actually. He flips the video off after that casual reveal.)

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[Maketh watched the entire video twice to make sure she didn't miss anything. She doesn't want to go through everything point by point, though--]

You've told me a little about your Maze. Would -- would it be all right if I asked you some questions about it?

[She clears her throat.]

It's a long shot, but it's possible they might function in similar ways. I have a theory, but not enough information to test it.

(He's happy to see Maketh and isn't wholly surprised by her question. Of all of the people in Hadriel to care about what was found in those tunnels, it would be her.)

That's fine. Ask whatever you want to ask if you think it'll help.

(The Maze has never been a personal topic for him. Not like that, anyway.)

Hadriel and the Glade function very similarly overall minus a few differences. Ask away. Maybe some of our theories will align.

I was under the impression that the Maze in your world was constructed in a specific way, for a specific purpose. Is that correct?

There are two possibilities that I've thought of. One is that the changes we've seen in Hadirel are being facilitated by the gods with a specific purpose. Something related to their endgame.

[She's certain there is one. She just hasn't figured it out yet.]

The other is that the changes are organic. Just a natural feature of this place. That would mean that the gods are exerting power to keep certain elements constant. A constant source of fresh water, buildings that don't collapse on themselves. Things like that.

If we can determine which one it is, then we can make theories about the powers of these so called gods. Possibly even test them.

Yes. It was designed by one of the Runners for us to solve. It was to present us with various conditions they wanted to test.

I feel like it's the former theory of yours. The other one doesn't have enough evidence to back it. I found a computer chip with Peter in the tunnels a long ways back. Nothing ever happened with it but it was...strange. But it implied there was something amiss. And not something organic by any means.

I don't really understand much of the concept of gods but something about them seems off too. I still don't really think they are actual deity figures as people think.

(But that was a generally frowned upon thought to be had here, it seemed.)

I've been wondering about the chip. [So far they haven't been able to find any machinery that it fits with. But it didn't come from nowhere. Maketh has a feeling it might be important, though.] It might have been pulled here like we were. Though I don't know why they would bother with it, since it can't feed them.

[Perhaps it was an accident. An early attempt before the process was refined. Maketh shakes her head. She's speculating without evidence.]

We don't have gods where I'm from. Not really. Just -- people with power who like to take on titles. Some of them could even take power from extreme emotion - rage and hatred, things like that. It didn't make them gods.

We still have it if you'd ever like to take a closer look at it. (He was glad she didn't think that. Some people had and the logic simply didn't line up. Computer chips never just happen.) Maybe. I don't know about that though. I feel if any items were pulled through, they would be of some significance. Like, more obvious.

(At least she's speculating.)

Nor do we. The people with the power in my world were WICKED. They had all of the world's sources, money and otherwise. Emotions were their tool as well.

I would. I don't think I'll be able to see much more than I already have, but it couldn't hurt.

[What she wouldn't give for a team of scientists and proper diagnostic equipment.]

Agreed. But there may be side-effects to the Door. The gods don't seem keen on telling us how it works - if they even know themselves.

[Her face softens.]

Perhaps in a less literal way. But -- yes. Such people worked for the Empire. We did --- well. I believed it was for the best. For a long time.

(The idea of a team of scientists to this day still freaks Newt out a bit. He believes that if people started pulling together in Hadriel, they could really work this out.)

Who knows if they know or not. The technology of it is odd.

('Mythical artifacts' isn't really a term Newt is familiar with nor would he particularly believe.

His own face softens at Maketh's words and he partly wishes he was there with her just then.)

I think people in those situations, those positions of power, I...do think they believe they're doing the right thing but I think they can get lost along the way rather easily.

(He wets his lips and narrows his eyes in focus, looking down for a moment.)

I...I can't see you setting up a situation in which you have a child murdered just to see how we would react.

(At least he really hopes Maketh would never do such a thing.)

[Maketh nods, a little sadly. Lost indeed.] I hope I wouldn't have. But I think --- I served with people who would.

[It hurts to admit that, to know the truth of it down to her bones.

Maketh clears her throat.]

How are you doing, after the, uh...party?

(He considers Maketh quite seriously then, humming thoughtfully to himself.) Maketh, do you think I'm a bad person?

(He's asking this perfectly serious though without an ounce of self-deprecation to it. It was an hones to god question. He had a point he was going to make.

The question catches him off guard some and he gives an odd sort of smile, shy maybe.)

...Really good, actually. I wasn't too badly hung over. How about you?

What? No! [Fuuuuck did she do something to make him think that?

She takes a moment to compose herself, looking ever so slightly embarrassed. Hello, child whose innocence she probably corrupted. If he remembers their conversation at all. There was a lot of wine.] You're lucky, then. It wasn't the worst I've had, but --- well. There was a lot of tequila.

(Newt can't help but chuckle lightly at her outburst.) Then you're not a bad person either. You know, I have no recollection of it but before my memory was swiped, I technically was helping WICKED. They selected intelligent children from across the world and we were all helping them. Sometimes we help bad people and we don't mean to. I think as long as you genuinely wish you hadn't or that if you really didn't want to support something awful then. Well. That's all that matters, Maketh. The past- that's in the past, you know? I don't look at that. I look at how you are now and I know you now would never do anything awful like any of that. Maybe you ought to start forgiving yourself too.

(Oh, Maketh, you definitely did not corrupt his innocence. He was a seventeen, maybe eighteen, year old boy. He was already down the path of being corrupted. Especially since Peter himself wasn't the best influence. He'd gotten Newt into smoking cigarettes. And you know, other stuff.........That totally might have happened after their conversation but details. At least Newt had drunk before he'd even come to Hadriel.

And he totally does remember their conversation.

He snorts a bit.) There really was a lot of tequila. And vodka.

Ah. Thank you, by the way. For talking to me. (Because yes he is going to bring this up.) I know it might've seemed awkward to you but. I literally don't know what I'm doing a lot of the time and having someone to talk to like that had really helped me.

I...

[Of all the things she might have expected to hear from Newt - well. Maketh adjust her uniform slightly, trying to compose herself. It's hard not to blame herself in a way that demands retribution - it is the Imperial code; failure must be punished - but, in the end, that's not who she is anymore. She's not one of them. And maybe she doesn't deserve what would have been done to her if she'd survived Lothal. She's responsible, of course, but perhaps--

This is supposed to be a fresh start. Not of her own design, but something she might reach out and grab with her two hands if only she's brave enough.

She smiles a little. Means it.]

Thank you, Newt.

[It's hard to change and even more to forgive, but perhaps they can manage it. Maketh has a feeling that there are things Newt is trying to forgive himself for as well. Perhaps just for surviving when others did not.]

Ahem. Yes. Among other things.

[So. Much. Tequila.

Maketh's face is starting to go red. She coughs into her hand.] Um. You're welcome? I think.

[Her education in such matters comes entirely from the manuals passed out by the medical staff while she was a junior cadet - informative, but confusing - and from the gleeful machinations of her TIE pilot friends - occasionally traumatizing but pragmatic. It would be different for Newt, who's memories were taken from him.

Her expressions softens ever so slightly.] I'm not...like you? Exactly. [Well they're both queer, but -- different.] But if you have questions, I can try to answer them.

(It was a slow process. For Newt, it was difficult to feel guilt for things he did not remember and for things he truly didn't think he'd agree to now being the person that he was today. But then there were other things that haunted him. What he had become, how he had hurt his friends as a Crank, how he had made Thomas kill him. The boys that they had lost in the Scorch Trial, the boys they had left behind in the Glade. Maybe guilt was apart of life and it buried itself deep but...

Newt did try and think of Hadriel as a fresh start and not one just for himself. He wasn't always good at staying consistent with that belief but he did his best.

Maketh of all people deserved it though. Maketh and Arya both, the two women he'd met who had so much trouble with the things they had done in their home lives.)

You'll get there some day, Maketh. Don't worry about it. And if you ever want to talk, I'm around. You know that, right?

(Because it was essential that she did. He might not have his memories and he might be much younger than her but what he could offer was at least his sincerity.

He grins a bit and Peter's influence was strong enough that Newt wasn't blushing like he might have been otherwise.

Newt had literally nothing to go off of. The boys at the Glade had talked very vaguely but no one had any idea of what they were doing with anything. It left him feeling very much a child in an adult relationship and that was more upsetting than anything sometimes.)

I know. You're a woman. It'll be different. And you like other women too. I know. (He realizes at least how babies are made and that biologically men and women were different. So. She didn't need to explain all that, thankfully.)

I don't think I do. Maybe in the future. Peter and I have only just barely....you know. Become intimate...that way...and haven't uh- done much.

(Annnnd now he's blushing. Also talking quietly because Peter is totally an eavesdropper.)

So um- there's that. I can't think of anything though my mind might just be frazzled too.

You've been...very kind to me. [Even in the moments when Maketh felt certain she deserved nothing of the kind. She tries to convey that in her smile, not sure that it quite works.] I'll remember that. Thank you.

[She's never met anyone quite like Newt before. The kind of child a mother might be proud to have - not that Maketh would know anything about mothers. She does know Newt, though. He's kind and clever, and pragmatic in a way that Maketh understands. She feels something like hope every time they speak. This boy will build a worthy future. Maketh feels certain of this. She'll do everything she can to see it through.

This time, a quip of a smile fits in between her blush. Maker, she remember being a teenager. Everything brand new and exciting. Though she's thankful that she doesn't need to explain about -- parts. And what not. Biology ran rampant on Lothal and the other places she'd lived, so Maketh had gotten fairly good at improvising with her various partners over the year.

Still not a conversation she quite had the words for, though.]

It's all right. [She says it gently, smiling.] This place might -- it's not safe. But you have a chance to just -- be. For a little while. So that...that's good.

You have only ever been kind to me, Maketh. (And that's a lot more than Newt has known. Particularly from adults. It reminds him of something then. Something he remembered after he had that moment with Peter and suddenly he was perking up on the other side.)

Maketh, I remembered something recently. I'd like to tell you about it if that'd be okay. It's a little bit personal but it made me realize something about you.

(It was a weird thing to say, he knows, but sometimes that was just the way of Newt. He seemed a strange combination of excited and nervous. Some social patterns he wasn't all that up to date on but this felt important to mention.

And it all had to do with his mother. For all of the hope he had given Maketh over the course of their relationship, Maketh has returned that hope in double. He had finally pinned down what this woman was becoming to him.

The humor of it all was Newt's odd route of shyness about sex. Sometimes it took barely anything to have his face flaming red and other times he tackled it with a clinical curiosity. Now was one of those times.)

Yes, I think you're right.

(He bites his lip, frowning a bit, his eyes downcast a moment.)

To be completely honest with you, Maketh. This place is sort of the end deal for me. Everyone else has homes to go back to but...I don't. I...kind of hope...sometimes...that nothing happens here. Is that strange?

I--all right. If you're sure.

[She doesn't want to push him into sharing his secrets, no matter how curious she might be. There was that conversation they had, not so long ago, about wolves. Perhaps this is something like that. The sincerity in Newt's face says that it's important. So she'll listen as best as she can.]

I think it's like that for both of us. I think I died, on Lothal. And even if I didn't--there's nothing there for me now. I'd only endanger my allies if I went back. [Her friends, too.] I want this place to be something. I want it to be good.

Okay uh.

(His cheeks turn the slightest bit pink and he stares off screen for a moment. Actually, it looks like he's looking at someone else with the attentiveness on his face. Then after a moment, he nods just barely and looks back on camera and smiles feebly.)

The other day, I think I remembered my mom? Not...anything specific. Just her voice, her hair, and kind of just this nice feeling. I didn't really think 'bout it til just now but um. I think it's similar to the sort of things I feel towards you?

(His nose wrinkles up briefly and his eyes dart back off camera in the same direction he'd been looking in before and then they slide just as quickly back to the camera.)

Like. Motherly, I think.

(Which is a good thing, Peter had said. So he really hoped Maketh took it in a good way.

The idea of Maketh dying makes something unpleasant crunch in his chest and he almost looks physically pained for a moment. Newt was a surprisingly sensitive boy. Always had been. When the other Gladers had been dying off and Minho and Thomas kept pushing forward, it was Newt who mourned their lost lives, as nameless and unimportant as they had seemed to the other two boys. When it came to someone he cared about dearly? Well.)

I did die. I remember it pretty vividly. And I'd die again if I went back to my world within a year probably.

(He sighs faintly. Again, he could relate to Maketh.)

I'd endanger my friends too. (Because he knew enough what the word allies meant. And he didn't have allies- only friends.) But I'm a threat here too.

I want it to be good. That's why I don't mind the monsters, I don't think. If they're the worst of it then- okay. Fine. But if...If Hadriel...I wonder if there's a place for people like you and me.

[Not for the first time, Maketh wishes they were having this conversation in person. It's hard to find the right words to convey what she's feeling - to try and push it into understandable shapes, things with labels and protocols. If it were a status report, then she'd have the words. But it's not. This is -- important, in ways that Maketh is only beginning to understand. Her face twists, burning red, and for a moment she's afraid that she might cry. And that would be wrong.]

I...oh.

[She never really thought about having kids on Lothal. There was never time, she'd never been good with children. They were small and strange and Maketh always had the nagging suspicion that she would break them if she meddled too much. And then there was Newt. Strange but kind - always so kind - and he made sense when so few people did in this place. Maketh worried about breaking him too - of course she did, the Empire had made her and look what the Empire did - but.

Part of her, quietly, wanted to stand next to him. Fluff up his hair a little. To step back and watch him learn how to walk in his skin. Make this place into something worth protecting. So maybe...

Maketh takes a shuddering breath, wiping at her eyes. She won't cry. She won't.] Thank you. Newt.

[She wants desperately to hug him right now. That would feel right in a way that she can't quite find the words to convey.

She nods more somberly at his words. Dying. It's not surprising, not really. His world is dangerous and cruel, though in a different way than hers. And surviving has made them both dangerous.] I used to think that...maybe this was some sort of mistake. That I should have just stayed dead. It wasn't doing anything -- useful. So it didn't -- I didn't hesitate. With the wendigos.

[It had been a mistake and not really her own life, so what would it matter if she ordered someone else to take it? Back then, Maketh had thought only of ensuring the survival of everyone else, and ensuring that she would not be the thing that ended it. So she'd died again. Woken up alone in Hope's temple to face the aftermath.]

But then I met you and Lilith and Henry, and...you matter. To me. And I started thinking maybe, maybe I could stay. Maybe that would be all right, to stay here.

(There was a lot that Newt admired about Maketh. Maybe she had done a lot of things in the past that she had regretted but so had he. Everyone was subjected to making awful choices every now and then in their life but Newt had meant it with every fiber of his being when he had said that it was the present that mattered, not the past. And the thing with Maketh was she seemed so capable, so incredibly mature and intelligent. She was something he had never once known in adults, with a real sense of order and logic, someone kind and good, good to him now, good to him since he has met her and that...It was the first time Newt had ever considered what it'd be like for him to grow into an adult and wanting to be like anything. Wanting to be like Maketh. If only a little bit.

He too wishes they were talking in person. Newt was a physically grounded person who was invasive in a way that wasn't just emotional but physical. He'd sit close to the people he liked, bumped knees, touched arms, and generally didn't seem to understand the problem in showing affection. He would have hugged the breath out of her.

Newt idly wonders if his own mother, his birth mother, would have been happy that he had found someone like this. He thinks that she would have.

His own eyes were wet and unlike Maketh, he doesn't try to blink or scrub them away. He's got a face that looks used to crying and his tears remain where they are, making his eyes shine.

But then Maketh begins to talk about death in a way that Newt intimately understands down to the limp on his leg. His face is ashen and if he hadn't wished he was there before, he certainly did now.)

I...

(His voice is thick with emotion and he clears his throat a bit, sitting up straighter. He takes a steadying breath. The only person he's spoken about this with was Peter. No one else. Maketh though...She deserved that support.)

Back home, when I was in the Maze, I was a Runner. Because I was fast and smart and had no problem memorizing the Maze. But...it...It drove me a bit-

(His throat clicks and he stared off.)

But uh- uh there were vines all over the walls, you know, so one day I guess I just really couldn't stand it anymore. The maze and being trapped and the sound of the monsters and how I didn't know anything and I just. Couldn't. So I climbed up to the top and well- but I messed up. Landed funny and ruined my leg instead. I- Only...Only Peter knows that about me. I've been...struggling...with that feeling for such a long time. Wanting to not...exist.

(He looks uncomfortable, stressed, but he also doesn't look like he minded sharing this. And maybe it was a conversation better had in person but Newt doesn't really think it matters. It was a conversation that needed to happen now, that was relevant now.)

And here, I felt that way for a while too. I still do- sometimes. But it's really rare and brief and now I feel bad when I think like that. People like you, like Peter, have changed me a lot. You've given me a reason to want to be here. I think that- I think if you've found people, then you've found your purpose. I don't think there needs to be anything more than that. More than the people you meet, the people who change your life.

I think it's important that we've met. I know- I do understand what you mean. I do.

(And he'd told her that story because he understood it so thoroughly.)

And you're not alone. And really, you won't be so long as I'm here. And so long as Henry and Lilith are here too.

[It takes Maketh a bit to compose herself before she can even open the video to respond. There's something caught in her throat, painfully tight, and she's crying - she shouldn't be crying, it's unprofessional, against code, wrongwrongwrong, stop that. Sit up straight and put your eyes straight ahead, soldier.

She lies down instead, curled up on the bed she's claimed, and takes off her boots and jacket. It feels better like that, with the blankets wrapped around her. Almost like hugging someone close. That sort of --- peace, Maketh supposes.

Her eyes are red when she responds, but her tears are gone.]

I asked...I asked Henry to do it. Because I couldn't--manage it. And he did. I said it was for the best and he believed me. [Maketh closes her eyes.] I thought he'd hate me. For doing that to him, because what kind of person--

[No. Stop. She clears her throat.]

But he...he f-forgave me. And I -- I think I needed that. To remember how to be a person and not what I was. You and Henry and the others--you made me remember.

(He hadn't really meant to upset her so thoroughly but with the topic he supposed it couldn't be helped. The silence on his end is a bit unnerving but if it lasts much longer, he'd just try and contact her again. He doesn't have to though and before long, Maketh is looking at him once more.

Newt smiles in that gentle way of his and his heart crumbles a little at the sight of her red eyes. He wished he was there in person, truthfully.

Newt listens intently and something pulls in his stomach. He feels guilty for not having known that Maketh had gone through that during the wendigo event. He shakes his head at her.)

No, I ...I don't think that makes you a bad person, Maketh.

(He really didn't either. What was so different about that situation and the one where he had made his own best friend shoot him in the head because he was degrading into something enough like a monster? It just so happened that he also kind of wanted to die at the same time anyway.)

He sounds like a good friend. I think, for how long I've known you, you do a pretty great job at being a person.

(He smiles then and it's a little more clear.)

I'm glad I could help you with something like that. You realize that um- if you ever do need to talk to someone, I'm always around, right?

[She's never met anyone quite like Newt before. Someone who understands the way she thinks and even comes to the same conclusions, but somehow has avoided being warped by the logic. He's been hurt in terrible ways, but Newt has recovered. There's a scar, a visible limp, but he's still -- here.

That matters, she thinks.] He's been -- kind. To me.

[She smiles a little.] I think you'd like Henry.

[So far as Maketh knows, they haven't met. It's not that surprising. Henry tends to keep his own company.]

Thank you, Newt. I do -- appreciate that.

[Even when she doesn't have the words to convey it. Maketh rubs at her eyes a little.] I don't know if you like coffee or not, but I, uh, found some. So if you wanted some, you could come over. Sometime. If you wanted.

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[3] video (post Delight's event)

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[video] --> tw for discussion of suicide

[video] --> tw for discussion of suicide

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