voice

[am_i_a_monster]

[Abigail died in the deserted plot and has just been revived.]

Hello? Can anyone hear me? Is anyone out there? It's dark out. I can't see anyone. Please tell me I didn't go through all that just to be alone again.

[There's a moment of Abigail crying.]

I was dead. Am I still dead, is that what this is?

[Being alone feels like hell to her.]

Comments

Re: action.

[am_i_a_monster]

[Abigail chuckles.]

I guess that joke only works with someone from my world.   There's a story about a man named Noah.  There was a big flood and he built an ark, a really big boat.  He put two of every animal on it.

action.

[puzzlingly]

「Oh but they might have the same story, he's just like a million years early for it.」

That sounds kinda silly. How did he know there was gonna be a flood? And there are like millions of animals out there, how do you pair them all?

「Meanwhile he takes the towel from her hands and proceeds to dry his hair.」

action.

[am_i_a_monster]

God told him about it.   Then god flooded the world, killed everyone else.   But he loves his children.

[Abigail says it sarcastically and shrugs.]

And how did he keep them from eating each other while they were on the ship?  

action.

[puzzlingly]

「Oh, okay, there is a god involved. That changes things, weirdly. But sounds a bit harsh... Not unlike his own version of how humanity rebelled against the Sun god and how that ended in a terrible slaughter and reordering of the cosmos. Basically.」

God told them not to...? 「He says skeptically with a shrug.」

action.

[am_i_a_monster]

God told them to go against the instincts that he gave them...Yeah, that sounds like the god I've heard about. 

[Abigail nods.]  

C'mon, let's go sit down.    [She walks to the couch.] 

action.

[puzzlingly]

Yeah... They could do that I guess. 「The last time he said some shit about other people's god, it didn't go really well (obviously), he's not gonna risk it, so there goes another shrug. He wraps the towel around himself and follows her to the couch. Before sitting down he puts another towel on the cushion so it doesn't get wet.

He allows a bit of silence to settle in as he keeps drying his coiffure. It is very obvious now what went down during those days that she was alone... Or was she?」

... Wanna talk about it?

action.

[am_i_a_monster]

[Abigail sits next to him and gives a small nod.  She can't keep this bottled up and she feels like he'll understand.]

I had a lot of time to think when I was alone.  I thought about all the people that got hurt because of me.  The people that died.   Even when I slept, I'd see them in my dreams.

[She looks down at the floor, still feeling that guilt.] 

Do you remember that dream we shared?   The one where you showed me a monster that was in me?   There was a man with me, he showed me something like that.  It wasn't a monster.   It was the sin in me, my bad soul. It glowed red.

action.

[puzzlingly]

「He remembers, of course he does, it doesn't bring him any pride or joy, but he understands. He had judged her wrong, though.」

And... that man, what did he do?

「There is a sinking sensation down his stomach, if that person had hurt her, it wouldn't have been any different from he did in that dream.」

action.

[am_i_a_monster]

He took the sin out.  He made it all go away. 

[Abigail looks up slowly.]   

It wasn't bad. He didn't have me in chains or anything, not like that dream. He even played music for me. 

[puzzlingly]

「Atem can't help but feel a little judged, it's not like it was his fault that his subconscious had her in chains.」

Took the sin out? So, what, you're clean now?

「Come on, it can't possibly work that way. If he sounds skeptical and a little cynical, it's not her imagination.」

[am_i_a_monster]

[Abigail frowns, maybe the things she's done can't go away.]

I don't know.  I was supposed to be.   I saw the sin coming out when I died. That has to mean something.

[She's not sure if she's trying to convince him or herself.]

[puzzlingly]

You still remember it, don't you?

「What was the point of that? A second or two after he says it he regrets it. He's not supposed to make her feel worse.」

What does it mean to you?

[am_i_a_monster]

I do. I wish I didn't. I wish I could just forget it. All of it.

[She shrugs.]

I want it to mean a fresh start. I want it to mean I can be someone else. Not my father's daughter.

[puzzlingly]

Would it help...? Forgetting?

「In truth, he not only asks because of her, he often wishes he could forget certain things, but all of them made him who he is, bitter memories or not. He had fought through hell and back to regain the memories he had lost once, it seemed outrageous to want to get rid of some of them after everything.」

You know... no one here knew your father. Or you. 「She could have just started anew, couldn't she? He doesn't know.」 Do you feel any different?

[am_i_a_monster]

Of course.  It can't hurt if I can't remember it.   I can't have nightmares about things that I wouldn't know.

[But she does know.  She has all the memories of her past to haunt her.] 

I knew him.   Will did too.   He got in my dad's head.  [She shakes her head.]  No.  I feel the same.  But Leo says I'm different.  And he'd know.  Wouldn't he?

[puzzlingly]

Leo...?

「Oh, oh. That guy... He shifts uncomfortably on his seat. He remembers him trying to goad him into telling him his sins, it was not up to him to judge him regardless.」

No one can tell you how to feel. But if that helps in some way...

「It's said with a little shrug. He clearly doesn't have all the answers, he's not sure about anything lately and this is no different.」

[am_i_a_monster]

You know him?  [Abigail watches him shift.]   He makes you uncomfortable?   Did he make you glow red too?

He sort of can.  He saw my soul.  He knows what's in me. 

[She's gone from her father to Hannibal, all kinds of being told how to feel and act.  It's easy to fall back on others.]  

I think it might help.   I don't know.  It's still so fresh.

[puzzlingly]

「He raises a bit of an eyebrow at that.」

We talked over the network. 「As if he makes him uncomfortable, there goes another shrug. He didn't then, but now, he probably does.」 It's not up to him to see what's in my soul, Abigail. I will be judged when the time comes.

I just hope it helps you. 「But it obvious he's not happy with how it was handled. It resonates a lot with what he would have probably done to her if for whatever circumstances he had the power to do so. Maybe that's why it doesn't bode well with him. He would have liked her to have a different fate. She didn't deserve to die, not in that dream, not here either, no matter if it seemed like a second opportunity only because of a god that could bring people back, if he could change her destiny he would, but he doesn't know how...」

[am_i_a_monster]

You get judged before that.  We all do.  Other people judge us. We judge ourselves.  I did a lot of judging of myself when I was alone.  And maybe.. [Abigail lets a little hope in her voice.]  Maybe I got judged by god, or whatever.  I was dead.  I don't remember going to hell or seeing my dad.  [She hadn't seen her mother or heaven either.  That may have been too much to expect.] My time came and I got a second chance.

I hope so too.  [She frowns.]  Otherwise, I went through all that for nothing.  [One more thing for her to feel guilty about.]  And I put everyone else through it too.

[puzzlingly]

That doesn't count.

「He says curtly. His Gods haven't abandoned him here forever! He has to believe that or he'll go crazy with grief. It's already hard to trying to understand why he's here at al, but he's not going to throw away all of his beliefs in a whim.」

[am_i_a_monster]

It does count.  I remember dying.  I was dead.  I can't go back in time, can't make myself die sooner to save all those other girls.  But I let myself die this time.  I was scared, but I still asked Leo for his help.  I didn't run away. 

[She looks at him sadly.] 

I died and it counts.  It had to count.

[puzzlingly]

Not that...! I meant... Never mind.

「The way she still speaks with so much grief about those girls, what was the point of it all if she hadn't gotten over what she did?」

What did your sacrifice do for them, Abigail? Dying wasn't the answer to this, he still killed you knowing that Hope nor any of the gods was here! How did that help?! You could have just never come back, how would that helped anyone?

「He's being harsh, but he cannot just hold the words any longer.」

Is that what you wanted...? To die?

[am_i_a_monster]

[Abigail blinks rapidly and looks away, trying not to cry.]  It didn't do anything for them.  I can't do anything for them.   It's too late.  I thought maybe it could could balance out the scales somehow, a life for a life. Leo talked about balance too.

[She takes a deep breath.]  Leo and I both knew I might not come back.  I was hurting; the nightmares were so bad.  If the gods didn't come back, I'd be alone with that pain forever. He told me I would have had peace if I died.  I wouldn't feel that guilt anymore.  I wanted it to go away.

[puzzlingly]

Abigail... You say you didn't run away but that's exactly what you did.

「And she was back anyway, maybe there is the chance that she was looking for.」

You must atone for those souls while you're alive.

[am_i_a_monster]

I can't atone when I'm alive.   I told myself that I could. I thought I'd live the lives they didn't get to have and then they wouldn't have died for nothing. 

[She shakes her head.]  

But when I sleep, in my dreams, they tell me that I should have died so they could have lived.  Nicholas Boyle tells me I should be dead too.