voice

[am_i_a_monster]

[Abigail died in the deserted plot and has just been revived.]

Hello? Can anyone hear me? Is anyone out there? It's dark out. I can't see anyone. Please tell me I didn't go through all that just to be alone again.

[There's a moment of Abigail crying.]

I was dead. Am I still dead, is that what this is?

[Being alone feels like hell to her.]

Comments

[so_dark_a_road]

[ Still out in the ocean, but trying to keep in touch with the people he cares about who remained in the islands. Still rattled over those nine days when he couldn't reach anyone. ]

Abigail? What happened? Can I help you in some way?

You're not dead now, or you wouldn't be able to talk to any of us.

[am_i_a_monster]

Curufin? Are you okay? I didn't think I'd hear your voice again. I wasn't even sure if you'd want to talk to me. Talking helps, makes it less lonely.

Yeah, I guess so. We can't all be dead.

[so_dark_a_road]

I'm a couple of hundred miles west of the islands searching the godforsaken bottom of the ocean for Door fragments, but I'm fine. I'm hearing that some damned gods' event happened to those of you who stayed.

I'm always available if you want to talk. Right now, for instance. You were afraid I wouldn't want to talk to you? [ The loneliness in her voice wrenches his heart. ]

[am_i_a_monster]

It did.   We were all separated from each other.  I couldn't talk to Will or any of my friends.  We didn't know when it would end.  Or if it would end.  I was all alone with my nightmares.

[She hesitates for a moment.]   Yeah.  I thought you might be mad 'cause I was mad before.

[so_dark_a_road]

I am so sorry that happened. You shouldn't have had to be alone with your nightmares. That was extreme cruelty on the part of the gods.

I'm not mad, and I'd never use that awful mistake I made as an excuse never to talk to you again. You had every right to be angry, and to tell me so. In fact, I'm glad you did tell me how you felt.

But what happened to you in Hadriel, though? You're in Hope's temple because you died and returned, you say? Was that part of the event? How did you die? What happened?

[am_i_a_monster]

It might be the worst thing they've ever done.  I hate being alone.

I had a lot of time to think when I was alone.   It was all I could do, think about the bad stuff I've done, the stuff I was a part of.  It was like I was caught in a loop, the same thoughts over and over.  There was someone there who helped me.   He took all the bad things I've done away.  He had to kill me to do it.   So I died.   I'm back now.  I thought I'd feel different, but I don't.  Not really.

[so_dark_a_road]

[ He'd like to rip their guts out, those so-called-gods, for imposing such loneliness on such a brave but vulnerable person. They had no right. ]

You aren't the only person who has done a few destructive things, and I understand about the thought loop you can't get out of. It's very painful. Who was this person who helped you? Why did he have to kill you to stop your thoughts? Mind you, I'm not saying he didn't know what he was doing. . . just that it doesn't seem fair that you should have to die to escape your thoughts.

And now that you've returned, you still have those repeating thoughts? [ He shakes his head in frustration. He wants to help. ]

[am_i_a_monster]

Leo.  He wasn't stopping the thoughts.  He was taking the sin away.  He could only do it by killing me. [She takes a few deep breaths.] Maybe it's fair.  He talked to me about balance.  It's not fair that I get to be alive when others aren't.   I thought maybe death was right.  [She pauses.]  I don't know what's right anymore. 

I do, but it'll get better now that I'm not alone anymore.  I won't be able to get so confused with everyone back here.

[so_dark_a_road]

I've met Leo. We had quite a discussion about sin, death, and soul-eating. I don't know about fairness or balance; I just happen to believe that anything that happened to you wasn't your fault. How do you deserve not to be alive? You are a sensitive, thoughtful, loving person. The universe would be the poorer without you and people like you. Just my two cents' worth.

[ He doesn't always know what's right, especially as regards himself. So maybe Abigail has reasons for her confusion. Nevertheless, he finds it outrageous that she had to die for the sins of others, even if she had some sins of her own to account for. And again, he can't believe that she is a malefactor. That is not his experience of her. ]

I hope it gets better, and I am so glad you are not alone anymore. You don't deserve to suffer from those kinds of thoughts. And just remember that I promised you that I would use my own gifts to help you if you need me.

[am_i_a_monster]

[She stays quiet for a moment, one word in particular making her feel suddenly sick.]

I don't like to think of it as I was eaten.  It makes me think of my dad and what he wanted to do.  Leo wasn't like him.  Not sick like that.  At least I don't think he was.  I believe what he told me.  You talked to him, so you know I must have deserved it.  He takes sinner's souls.   

[She becomes quiet again.] 

My universe was poorer because of all the lives that ended because of me.  How thoughtful or loving can I be, if I didn't stop my dad, if I didn't stop all of it? 

[She doesn't want to stay too much about the rest of what she's done.]

I might need your help tonight.  

[so_dark_a_road]

[ He hadn't meant to make her feel worse, and he worries at that sudden silence. ]

I'm a sinner and Leo didn't take my soul. I didn't feel it was necessary, as I've spent every moment since my death -- and shortly before it -- striving to make amends for my crimes. Trying to become one who restores balance to the universe by making positive things happen, wherever I am.

I agree, Leo isn't sick like your dad. Leo's a natural force, and as such, he has a designated function to fulfill, and that involves taking souls. I don't blame him for that, I just don't think that death is the only solution. Abigail, what real choice did you have? How could you have stopped your father, or stopped anything that was happening around you? I don't know your entire story, but it seems to me that when children grow up with an atrocious parent, they can't avoid feeling responsible for that one's horrible acts -- even though the child is powerless when a child, and has considerably reduced choice even later on.

It is a battle to be fought, the battle to regain your autonomy and integrity. But it was never your fault that you've ended up in this situation. I think every person in Hadriel who knows you would say that you are thoughtful and loving.

[ Perhaps someday she'll tell him, but right now, he doesn't care what she's done. Even if he knew, he still would believe in her. ]

You can have my help tonight, of course! I have pledged it. Shall I make some music now, or do you want to give me a call later? I wish it could be in person, but over the network, it will still work.

[am_i_a_monster]

I couldn't make amends.  I'm here and those other girls are gone.  Dead.  There's no positive things that can happen for them now.  [And Nicholas Boyle's dead too.]  I wish I could give them a second chance here.  I don't get why I did and they didn't.

It felt like the only solution.  I was so alone and sad and guilty. 

I don't know.  I must have done something wrong to bring that out in him.   Or there was something wrong with me that made him want to kill. If I knew what that was, I could have done it differently.  [She thinks she could have killed her father - shot him instead of the deer he forced her to hunt.  That's still killing.  Maybe it's a sin to think that too.  She can't bring herself to admit it out loud, especially not over a public communication.]  I guess I could have run away.  Or told the police.  I never fought.  I gave up my autonomy and integrity, my power, all because I was afraid of him and because I loved him.  Even with everything that happened, he was still my dad.  I felt like I didn't have choices then and after he died.  But maybe I was wrong.

I'll give you a call later, when I'm about to go to sleep.  That's when I'll need it the most.  [She's dreading her first night of dreams after returning from the dead.]

[so_dark_a_road]

Amends aren't always made directly to the dead, but to others who are in need of help and in a way, stand in for those you can't help now. That's the point of helping others who are still living. Part of the point, anyway. The rest is. . . just because there will always be people who need help, and you're there, whatever world you happen to be in. And second chances are not just for the dead, whether or not they can be returned to life. You can't choose who gets that kind of second chance. But you can choose whether you get a second chance or not.

I'm sorry you were alone here. I wish I could have been here to help you.

I'm guessing that what attracts Leo is any feeling of guilt and any involvement in a crime, whether that involvement was voluntary or not. [ If she had shot her father, it's true that it would be killing and would have a price associated with it. Killing always has that. But it's also true that it would have stopped her father from making anyone else a victim, and there would have been some good in that. ] We all do things for love and fear that we would not ordinarily do. And as I was saying, you were a child when all of that began, and you grew up believing you had no choices. I cannot believe you are to blame for that.

Yes, give me a call. I'll be waiting!