hadriel | I'm Just A Soul Whose Intentions Are Good

[The first thing is that the phone has been propped between two branches on a tree in the orchard. Ushahin needs both hands for the task at hand. He's trying to peel a piece of fruit that has a bright purple skin on it. The problem is that if he tries to use his good hand to peel, his bad one can't hold onto it firmly enough, so it falls. If he tries to use his bad hand to peel while his good hand holds, his crippled fingers don't have enough force to break the skin. He'll be trying both methods alternately as he speaks in his usual soft tone.]

I was thinking tonight. A dangerous pastime, to be certain, but what I was thinking was this. How many of us who have been brought here are good? [He pauses, trying to get his nails under the skin, and he fails.]

I would ask how many of you here think you are a good person but-- [And there goes the fruit again, falling out of his bad left hand. He sighs and picks it back up.] --I don't think many of us have that high of a opinion of ourselves. I know I don't. [He's shattered too many minds and killed far too many people to think he's still got a soul anywhere close to being pure.]

So I will ask this. How many of you think those who are here with you are good people? Your family and friends, how many of them are good souls? [The fruit slips from his grasp once again.]

Damn. [He's given up trying to do this the nice, neat way. He ends the video by using his good hand for support, then biting down into the peel, and using his teeth to tear it partially off. It's not the most dignified method of being able to peel the fruit, but at this point, he's too stubborn to give up.]

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Determination may move mountains, young kid, but it cannot change the opinion of others once they think something about you.

[All Ushahin had ever wanted was a place to belong. Men and Ellylon alike had rejected him, leaving only the Were to become his new family. For being nothing more than he was, he was said to be little more than a monster, the boogeyman who haunted their dreams at night. So he had decided, if that was all they would ever think of him, that was what he would become.]

That's not true.

[It can't be. He changed his mind about Chara, eventually, even if they were someone he loved more than anyone else in the world. Frisk changed their mind about him. They forgave him for the awful and strange things he did as a flower. Frisk changed their mind about every monster, didn't they? All these people who seemed so eager to hurt them, and they went to the trouble of befriending them, helping them, solving their problems.]

We wouldn't even have a word for forgiveness if that were true. It's never too late to change your mind.

Mayhaps where you are from, people learn to forgive each other their past transgressions, but that is not always so. Sometimes, no matter what you do, someone will consider you a monster, a thing to be feared, a wicked being no matter what you do to try and change their opinion.

[He sounds both bitter and sad as he explains his point of view. It has always been so with Ushahin. Even here, in Hadriel when he got a fresh start, he couldn't seem to escape himself or the reputation that had dogged him from his first moments. People would judge and fear him simply for being what he was, even if he meant them no harm.]

[He knows... the surface doesn't work quite like the Underground did. There are a lot of Floweys out there. Part of him wonders if maybe this adamant belief is something inherently human. The books back home said human souls could exist without any love or compassion in them. Humans locked monsters under the earth because of what they thought monsters might be, not because of how they actually acted. Chara hated humanity, seemed certain there was something unchangeably evil about them at their core. The humans he met during his final moments on the surface, too, had been certain he was bad, and nothing he could say or do convinced them to stop attacking. Even this guy says "monster" like it's an awful thing to be.

But... then there's Frisk, right? He has to believe like Frisk does. The way this stranger talks, it's... it is a bit Flowey-ish, but... Frisk saw something good in Flowey, didn't they?]

Um... I'm sorry if this is nosy, but... do you maybe think of yourself as... um, not really being a very good person? It sounds like this was something that your world taught you the hard way.

[Ushahin's eyes flash, and for a moment, he looks as insane as he always claims he is. He has to remind himself that the goat kid couldn't possibly know his past. How he had been rejected by Men and Ellyl alike, nearly stoned to death as a child merely for being what he was, and ending up in the service of a dark God as a result. His voice has an unhinged quality when he finally speaks.]

Indeed, young one. I was taught from an early age that the world would rather see me dead than accept me for what I was. So I decided I would ruin them all. Nobody good would have done such a thing.

[Wow, thinks a very Flowey part of Asriel, I can't believe what an edgelord this guy is.

Neither the Flowey part of Asriel nor the Asriel part of Asriel consider how utterly hypocritical that thought is.

He does... he does get it, though, doesn't he? He knows what it's like to start out with good intentions, but have the world grind you down to a bitter shell of your former self. He knows how convinced Chara is that they're bad. He knows how bad he became, too.

So he should try. Do like Frisk. Keep doing like Frisk.]

Maybe the greatest person in the world wouldn't have done it, but... I don't think it means you're the worst person, either. Just... someone who's been hurt. Hurt enough times that he wasn't ready to get back up again.

[Ushahin frowns and stares hard at Asriel for a moment. Perhaps he heard a stray thought coming from the goat monster. Perhaps not and it's only a lucky coincidence.]

What a optimistic mindset you have. I cannot say whether it is right or wrong, only that if that is the way you think, I commend you. [Ushahin is far too old and cynical for such thoughts. He had seen too much to truly believe in goodness inside himself anymore.]

It's not always an easy mindset to have. Sometimes... I have to try really, really hard to believe it. Sometimes I think maybe I'm just trying to fake believing it.

But the important thing is to try, right? Anyone can be good, if they try.

I am not so sure about that, but I do agree that thinking something makes it much more likely to happen. If you keep telling yourself something over and over again, it becomes a part of a pattern in your mind. Once the pattern is formed, you shall believe it without even having to consciously think it.

So it's... just a matter of getting used to an idea, right? Practicing until it becomes automatic.

Yes. For better or for ill. In my case, it has been the latter ideas that have formed most strongly in my mind.

For now, maybe, but doesn't that line of thinking just prove you can habituate yourself to something else?

[He might be sort of trying to show off by using a big word like "habituate." Chara was always good at talking like Mom. Talking all fancy and grown-up and smart. Well, he can do it too! Flowey learned a lot of words Asriel would never say.

Most of them are words like "hell" and "piss," sure, but uh. Every cloud has a silver lining?]

Mayhaps. It took me a thousand years to reach where I am now. In a thousand more, who knows what could happen?

[His personality moves at a glacial pace, but it changes nonetheless, even if he is unaware of what is going on at the time.]

Golly, that's a really long time.

[Maybe as old as his Mom and Dad. And they... they might live for a thousand more, a hundred thousand more, a billion. The child who was supposed to let them age is gone now, after all.

...He wonders if Flowey will live a thousand years, too. Somehow, it's a hard prospect to consider.]

But... if you have hope, then that's the most important thing. Hope changes everything.

It is. I wouldn't recommend it.

[Is that a joke? It's hard to tell with his soft, dry tone, but he is trying to lighten the mood. No need to bring the little kid down.]

Ah, yes. Hope. That two-edged sword. You are right. It does change everything.

I'm Just A Soul Whose Intentions Are Good | Video| OTA

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