four; text

[iustitiae]

fuck.

[he kind of considers just leaving that but, as a afterthought tacks on:]

look, if anyone wants to ask the real me about anything happened, i'm here now.

Comments

[fourthsaken]

[She pauses again, turning to face him.]

You swear you'll believe me? You won't think I'm crazy?

[iustitiae]

[he looks at her and nods, holding her gaze]

I won't think you're crazy.

[fourthsaken]

I brought my mom back to life.

[She says it quickly, the words almost slurring into one word. She drops her gaze to her own lap when she's done, waiting for Connor's reaction, bracing herself for him to call her crazy or worse.]

[iustitiae]

[it's shocking, but he doesn't think she's crazy. i mean, he literally just came back from the dead so it's obviously something within the real of possibility.]

Was she happy about it?

[he's kind of afraid the answer is no.]

[fourthsaken]

[It's not the reaction she usually gets and it throws her enough that she can't be anything but honest.]

No. She fucking hated me.

[iustitiae]

That isn't your fault. You thought you were doing the right thing.

[fourthsaken]

But it wasn't the right thing and it messed everything up. You know what she thought after? She thought I was like, a demon or possessed or some shit. And maybe I am. I'm definitely not a good person. A good person wouldn't do that to her mom. You don't understand how much she hated me and hated being alive again.

[iustitiae]

You're not a demon. Or bad person.

[he tries to project stability and confidence as he says it, but he barely has enough for himself much less to give to jade. he really is trying, though.]

You just wanted your mom back.

[fourthsaken]

[The attempt is appreciated even if Jade doesn't look very reassured by his words. She doesn't return to leaning against him, instead curling in on herself, looking small and scared to tell him the worst part of her story.]

... She wasn't back for very long.

[iustitiae]

How did she die?

[he's almost afraid to ask, but it sounds like jade could really use the opportunity to get it off her chest]

[fourthsaken]

Which time?

[iustitiae]

After you brought her back...?

[he's not sure if that means that it happened more than once]

cw, mention of suicide

[fourthsaken]

[Jade's still not sure what time he means, it's really all one incident in her mind, starting with the car crash. It's hard for her to separate her mom's two deaths.]

We were in a car crash. I was okay, but my mom... She wasn't. I started praying, that's all I did, and she woke up. I thought I'd fixed everything. But I hadn't. She didn't want to be alive again. She... She ended up killing herself.

between the two of them theyre like a join cw always

[iustitiae]

So you didn't even know that's what you were doing, huh?

[he pulls her into another hug, holding her close]

That wasn't your fault. None of it was. Not making upset because she was back, not her...decision.

[fourthsaken]

[She doesn't believe him, not really, but she can't help but lean into the hug, taking what comfort she can.]

You can't know that.

[iustitiae]

You wouldn't have done it if you knew it was going to end up like that.

[fourthsaken]

Of course I wouldn't have!

[iustitiae]

So, see? It isn't your fault. The intent wasn't there.

[fourthsaken]

But maybe if I hadn't... [She trails off, taking a deep, shuddering breath. She's scared, still bracing herself for rejection and for Connor to finally realize she did something terrible.] If I hadn't tried so hard to make her love me again, she wouldn't have killed herself. I should've just... Disappeared. Let her and my dad and brother be happy without me.

[iustitiae]

Wait, what?

[connor shakes his head, pulling away so he can really look her in the eye, but he keeps contact by holding onto her shoulder]

No, that's absolutely not it. Your mom didn't kill herself because of you.

[fourthsaken]

[Jade can't look him in the eye, fixed on her lap as if it's the most interesting thing in the world.]

You don't know that. No one except my mom knows that and I can't ask her.

[iustitiae]

I do. Because your mom put up with you for years, probably through all the awkward and annoying phases.

[like your emo phase jade oh wait]

And that wasn't enough to make her do it. But magic like that -- who knows how it messed her up. You didn't mean to do it, you had no idea what you were doing.

[fourthsaken]

But I wasn't... I was a good kid before she died.

[Her emo phase was a direct result of her mom's suicide. Before that, even when her mom had hated her she had tried to be the perfect daughter.]

[iustitiae]

Mothers know grief makes kids do dumb shit.

[fourthsaken]

... You don't think she'd hate me if she met me now? Like, if she was her before the accident?