Video; Dream a little dream with me

[ushahin]

[It's been a while since Ushahin has posted to the network. He always ends up enjoying the responses he gets, for it gives him a good pulse on what the cave residents are up to. It's time for another one of what Sans once called his "philosophy hour."

He's sitting outside, and for once, is wearing sunglasses, hiding the worst of the damage done to his eye sockets. It appears that he's watching something up in the sky, the moment of his head going round and round.]

I used to wonder sometimes if being brought here was a punishment for all the wrongs I have done in my life. I don't suppose it is so, but sometimes, the idea seems to have merit. Tell me, what is the worst thing you have done in your life? No lying or vague answers for this one or I'll pull it right out of your heads. Just tell me the truth.

[What he's been watching rapidly descends, revealing the dot in the cave ceiling to have been Fetch, his raven friend. He lands on the ground and hops over, giving whoever is watching an extreme close-up of the raven as he pecks at the device. He gives out a guttural Grrrawww! to Ushahin, who seems to be listening to it as if it's actual words.]

I suppose you are right. Fair trade and all that. I won't tell anyone else. You don't live to be my age without learning how to keep a secret. And if you tell me one, if you would like, I'll tell you one of mine.

Comments

[ushahin]

[Ah, there's Shadow. He's usually one to go off and do his own thing, but the fact he's been missing from the house for so long has alarmed Ushahin a little. He finds the hedgehog's presence soothing, his mind a focal point that he can fixate on when the madness threatens to overwhelm him sometimes.

Instead of giving him a vague answer that explains nothing, Ushahin is straightforward with his friend.]

I'm old. I need something to do in between what the gods here insist on thrusting upon us. [It's a hobby, in other words.]

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[sarestes]

Very little I haven't done. How much detail do I really need to go into?

[Disturbingly casual, this one.]

If this is a punishment, they should really think about letting the innocents go.

[ushahin]

Let us say the one that keeps you up the most at night.

[He notes that casual tone with interest. So many don't seem to accept their wrongdoings. This one has done that. Fetch watches in the background, beady eyes looking far too intelligent for a simple bird.]

No such thing as an innocent person. Everyone has darkness on their soul.

[sarestes]

Some only have a speck, maybe two.

[This doesn't need to turn into an argument, though. Nobody cares.]

But we're not talking about them. I suppose that would be all the times I lashed out because I didn't get my way.

[private video]

[infinite1up]

[Private because... it's supposed to be a secret, isn't it? Of course, while giving an award-winning performance with dramatic pauses and sorrowful inflection, Sato is, most definitely, making it all up because he doesn't care -- and is vaguely curious about what secrets Ushahin might have.]

You know, some days it's difficult to look back on your life, isn't it. We have more than enough time here for looking back on all those long-gone years of troubles.

I had a very good friend who'd stood by me, long long ago. We went through thick and thin together, but I have to admit that when he needed me most, I turned my back on him. And it's times like this that, that when you suggest that it could be a punishment for some wrongdoing, that I wonder if you might be right.

What is one of the wrongs that you're thinking about today?

[ushahin]

Oh? That's very interesting.

[If it is the truth, then he has more in common with Sato then he thought. He thinks of his cousins, Tanaros and Vorax. Dead now almost a full year. Not entirely his fault, but the pain still remains.

He is trying to stay out of heads more often. Yet he can't help it. His powers are like another sense. He might as well blindfold himself as to stop using them. His eyes can't be seen behind the sunglasses, but they gleam as he stretches out a finger towards where Sato's mind rests, brushing over it with a light touch, just enough to judge the words for what they are. His mouth twists into something almost amused.]

I shall tell you that when you are honest with me.

[infinite1up]

[Rather than seeming guilty, Sato doesn't seem perturbed in the least, serious expression giving way to mild surprise. Of course Ushahin could get into his dreams, but he's impressed that he really can tell that he's lying, after a performance like that.]

Are you sure you don't just want to get it off your chest anyway? Some people might say that seems like the reason you made this broadcast in the first place.

[Of course, if pressed, he's not sure he could list the worst thing that he's done, really. For one thing, he doesn't feel bad about anything he's ever done. And even if he was willing to think about it from someone else's point of view, there's be so much to choose from.]

voice.

[torrefied]

[Ordinarily, Mello would roll his eyes and scroll right past a post like this - or at least lurk and learn a few secrets from those who don't seem to value secrecy as much as Mello does - but something in the way Ushahin words his request feels like a challenge, and Mello happens to be feeling belligerent enough at the moment to accept it.]

Why the hell would anyone in their right mind tell you that?

[Mello has done many terrible things in his life; he's blackmailed, extorted, kidnapped, murdered, most of which he'd executed without a second thought. One murder in particular stands out, though - Sharon's, here in Hadriel, nearly a year ago. Even though she doesn't hold it against him, even though Hope resurrected her shortly after, even though she and Mello have grown quite close - maybe because of the fact that they've grown close - Mello regrets killing her. What he knows now but didn't know then was that she has been through enough pain and misery for a dozen lifetimes, and this is his regret - that killing her was unnecessary, because it didn't stop the nightmare from descending on Hadriel, and he'd only added to the horrors she's experienced.]

[ushahin]

Sometimes, telling of such things helps lift the darkness on one's soul.

[He takes off his sunglasses, bad eye squinting in the sunlight. Pain helps focus his powers. A mirror to his look is Fetch sitting on his shoulder, head cocked. Ushahin brushes a lock of hair out of his face as he reaches out with his mind. A jumble of thoughts swirl through this young one's mind and-- Sharon. He senses thoughts of her running through Mello's mind. She is one that Ushahin feels a kinship towards, no matter how much she tries to push him away. That is enough to make him sit up and take interest.]

I see something weighing heavily on your mind. Someone. Speak of it and part of the pain shall lift.

[torrefied]

Bullshit. Talking never solved anything. Problems get resolved with action, not words.

[Blame the orphanage that took him in as a small child for that outlook, at least in part. Encouraging all the broken children that passed through its gates to set the past aside and work toward a nearly-impossible goal did none of them any favors.

Maybe that's why Mello found it so easy to take the path he chose when he decided to kill Sharon. He had a goal - keeping Near safe - and words had no effect on her.]

Anyway, who died and made you a shrink? Don't we have three of them here now? Maybe you ought to leave therapy to the trained professionals to decide who needs it and who doesn't.

[Spoilers: Mello definitely could use therapy.]

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[64th]

That's not a fair trade. I don't care about your secrets.

[ushahin]

Oh? Then what would you consider a fair one?

[His voice sounds soft as he answers, almost as if he's not really focusing on the task at hand.]

[64th]

I haven't decided. Why do you want to know how bad we've all been? Trying to figure out who has the most evil lurking inside them?

audio

[murderpotato]

The fuck gives you the right to go diggin' around in somebody's head for anything?

[Lying or not, nobody's got the right to pull that kind of shit. Stay in your own head where you belong, you David Bowie motherfucker.]

Some people ain't gonna want to bare their goddamn souls to you, asshole, and y'know what? Tough shit. You gotta live with it.

[ushahin]

If you had listened properly, you would note I said I would only pull it out of someone's head if I was lied to. No one is under any obligation to answer me if they don't want to.

[The strong and usually hostile way people are reacting to this are providing him with no end of amusement. But while they're on the subject...]

I can only assume since you answered with such hostility you must have terrible things in your past.

(Video)

[handofsilver]

I betrayed my family, my people; I let them perish while a beast twisted my will and my mind to his liking. (Oh he can get into details, but he would rather not.) If it pains you to speak of your secrets, I will not ask for them.

[ushahin]

No, it is better to speak of them instead of letting them eat away at my soul. I have done many horrible things in my life and I don't regret most of them. Those in Urulat would say that serving my god was the worst thing I could have done, but I do not think it was so. What was worst was failing all those around me, seeing their ends come while I was the only one to survive. I could have stopped it if I'd only tried harder.

[He closes his eyes, a little exhausted as old memories cloud his mind.]

Do you think you will see your family again? In whatever comes next after this life?

( private video; cw: cannibalism )

[hasitsthorns]

[ If there's anyone in the cave she thinks she's capable of telling this, it's Ushahin. He already knows, actually, but not quite how far down the rabbit hole it goes. ]

My kind eat people. We don't have to in order to survive, we can eat livestock and get on just fine. Most of my kind do it because they just don't like humans. Human meat is like a treat. I never ate anyone, until I was experimented on in Haven by a man named Phillip Kite. He shot me up with some other woman's magic he extracted from her. It drove me crazy and I ate her.

[ She still hears the screams sometimes, tastes the tinge of blood on her tongue. It always had such a terrible after taste. ]

After that, I couldn't stop. Must've changed something about me because nothing else tastes the same anymore. It's like ash in my mouth and makes me want to gag. The worst thing I did was betraying my friends, my family all because I was hungry. I let the hunger consume me and drive me to do terrible things to the people who trusted me.

So when I got here, I swore I wouldn't let it be that way again. I haven't eaten since I arrived. My double did, but... that wasn't me. It was, but. I refuse to let it be me again. It's been a year. It'll take centuries for me to starve to death, but I've already started to feel the repercussions of it.

[ushahin]

[He knew part of this, but not all. She'd told him some and he'd guessed a fair bit. Now was the first time he'd heard it all out. Ushahin could still feel the phantom pain when her double had bit into him, though the wound had healed when he'd been revived from death. He'd called her a monster then. As harsh a word as it was, it still fit.

His broken face is filled with sorrow and kindness when he answers. Sorrow for her plight. The kindness for she is his friend and it pains him to see her in such distress.]

You are trying better yourself. Which is a rare thing among people, especially those with long lives. And if at the end you can look back and say you tried, at least it is better than giving up and giving in.

[Just look at him. Trying to change the way he did things after a thousand years was a slippery slope. One step forward, two steps back.]

[Video]

[elegant_and_proud]

Worst thing by whose standards? Our own? Or by society's standards?

[She's not offering to share just yet, but there is a distinction and she's curious how he's making it.]

[ushahin]

Your own. For society is often wrong and we are our own worst critics.

[If he believed everything the people of Urulat said about him, he'd be a completely irredeemable monster with nothing but darkness in his heart.]

video

[skelebro]

How's that a fair trade, exactly? You're the one who can pick people's truths and secrets outta their skulls.

[ushahin]

Not this time.

[He huffs, perhaps a touch insulted that Sans would consider him up to his usual behavior. Not that he doesn't have good reason to, but still...]

I will have you know I have been attempting a new path. When was the last time I entered your mind unannounced?

[It's not always easy, and certain people raise his ire no matter what he does, but Ushahin hasn't been nearly as active in probing the minds of the cave as he once was.]