hadriel | 008 [Video]

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008 [Video]

[So the fighting may be over, but that doesn't mean everything is going to be immediately fine. Finally having the time to really think about everything that's happened, and for everything to sink in, is going to make the next few days and weeks just as much of a challenge for some here as the last have been, if not more so.

But that is, hopefully, something he can help with, if at least a little. And there are new arrivals as well, who not only had to deal with the end of the invasion but also everything that goes along with suddenly finding themselves in an entirely new world, not to mention the sudden setting change too.

So he's trying to look as composed and calm as possible, which is a bit of a struggle since--like pretty much everyone else--he's exhausted and didn't get out of the whole ordeal with the Null entirely unscathed. Compared to some people he definitely fared better, but there's still a pretty obvious bruise across his cheekbone and around his eye; it's not too serious, but the main problem is that it's also not very helpful in looking as professional and put together as he's trying to appear.

Still, he's doing his best, and he lifts his chin a little and takes a deep breath before speaking.]

If anyone is injured, or just in need of somewhere safe to rest, the hot springs and the fire station are both serving as temporary locations for the clinic. Additionally, considering the seriousness and extent of everything that's happened in the last few weeks as well as the arrival of new people, it's worth reiterating that I'm a psychologist and so if anyone wants to talk, whether about recent events or otherwise, I'm available to meet.

[A short pause.]

I'm... Not exactly sure where, since my office doesn't exist anymore, and I probably should've thought about this before making this announcement...

[That would've been good planning, if he weren't so tired and scattered, but okay, refocus--]

But that can be decided on an individual basis. Additionally, if you'd like to respond privately, you can do so.

[And he includes a brief explanation of how to make a conversation private. With all of that out of the way, he'll put a filter on the post himself and add another message.]

[Private to friends and coworkers]

I hope you're all okay, and... If anyone who wants to let me know for sure that they are, that would be great.

[He's worried about everyone. :c]

[[ooc: Anyone on the Clinic staff list or who has positive CR will be included in this filter; feel free to assume your character's included if they and Lance know each other and are on good terms!]]

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[Lance opens the door immediately when he hears the knock, since very few people know where he lives and Lance is only expecting Michael to show up anyway. The hood up thing he attributes to trying to shield himself from the sun, and so doesn't think anything of it right away and just steps aside to let Michael in.]

Hi Michael; it's good to see you.

Uh, yeah. You too.

[Michael sounds distracted. He is distracted, and for once, not by a creepy ghost voice in his head. He shuffles inside, less hesitant and more animated than usual, tucking his hands up under his arms, then realizing that's too hot and putting them back down at his sides.

He seems... agitated.]

Did you make it through that whole thing?

[He sort of gestures vaguely, figuring he doesn't need to explain what he means.]

[Lance is, in contrast, more sedate and less expressive than usual, watching Michael and noting how unsettled he seems.]

Do you want to sit down?

[He asks it before answering Michael's question himself.]

I did. Did you?

[It seems like there might be a reason for the question, after all.]

No, not really.

[The response is curt and dismissive and Michael feels a little bad about it, but not enough to stop and apologize. He doesn't think he could sit still if he wanted to.]

And I didn't. And now there's a problem.

[To demonstrate, he pushes the hood back, letting Lance see the new addition of the eerie blue light behind his glasses.]

Something's fucked up in my head. [More than usual, even.] I don't- I didn't really want to come here, but I don't know what to do, and I need to do something.

[The curtness doesn't bother him, considering the situation, and Lance is much more focused on that he apparently guessed right about the issue at hand in general, although not the specifics.

The glowing eyes are... Actually really cool, but from what Michael's saying Lance presumes there's something more to it than just that. So he nods carefully in understanding, eyebrows furrowed a little in concentration.]

Okay. What exactly makes you think there's something wrong, besides your eyes? Is it something you feel?

[He needs more details before he can figure out any way to help.]

[Michael would probably think the eyes were cool if they didn't remind him of a certain something, and if they didn't come along with a host of other issues. Issues he doesn't really want bring up but he's already here, it's kind of too late for that.

He can't stay like this. Something has to give.]

Pissed. I feel pissed. Not all the time, but it doesn't take much. I feel like I need to punch something.

[And he has, if the scabbed-over knuckles are any indication.]

[Well, that's concerning but not exactly on the level that Lance was expecting.]

Is there anything in specific that brings it on? You said it isn't constant, so I presume something has to prompt it, or is it seemingly random?

[He definitely takes note of those knuckles, also.]

A lot of things. I take stuff the wrong way when people talk to me, I get frustrated with every little stupid thing. A dumb cup got broken in the invasion, and when I found it I just-

[Michael starts to mimic the act of throwing, and stops himself. He obliterated that cup like it was personally responsible for the Null attack.]

I'm not like this. [He rubs a hand across his face.] I'm worried I'm gonna- [do something he'll regret.

It wouldn't be the first time. He broke a kid's nose once, and as a teenager, he basically almost killed someone. But he grew out of that phase, and he's been fine for years (relatively), so this isn't him.]

[He listens to all of that, thinking it all over, watching how Michael begins to mime the motion before stopping himself and how he puts his hand to his face. He's quiet a few seconds while he decides exactly what to say and how to say it, but doesn't want to let the silence go on too long and making Michael worry.]

Considering what we know about the issues with Hope's power, I can't say for certain it isn't related. However, were that not a factor, what you're describing would still sound very normal.

[He pauses a moment before continuing.]

Irritability, anger, and mood swings in general are very common after a traumatic experience. That doesn't mean there's nothing that can be done about them, or that they're not upsetting to deal with, but they don't mean something is inherently wrong with you.

[And although he can't rule out there being something actually wrong due to what's going on with Hope, he's inclined to guess Michael's issues are unrelated to the resurrection part and much more related to the dying part.]

[Normal, really? That's what he has to offer? Michael can feel that manic heat spreading out through his chest, and it's a struggle to keep it in. He tries to listen to everything before he responds, but his brain's stuck in its track, so all Lance's other points just turn into fuel for the fire, especially the last part.]

It wasn't a traumatic experience. [He's practically snarling.] I barely even remember it, I was mostly asleep. You don't understand, this isn't just mood swings.

[He's being irrational and he knows it but that doesn't help. But he doesn't know how to convey what he means, and he never does, and it's so frustrating. Without thinking about it, he's taken a couple of steps in Lance's direction, but he catches it and forces himself to turn aside.]

I don't have control anymore. [He says the first thing that comes to mind, grasping it and hoping it'll work.] This is a problem.

[The moment Michael steps toward him, Lance steps back and raises his hands slightly in a gesture that's somewhere between defensive and placating. But at least Michael seems to get a hold of himself, and Lance is successfully convinced that maybe this is something more than the normal reaction to stress or trauma.

The problem is that now he's suddenly concerned about Michael will react to what he says, but he tries to shove that aside for now. The priority here is trying to help, so that's what he's going to focus on.]

Alright. Then it's possibly a side effect of Hope's current issues.

[Putting it nicely. And continuing--]

That means he should be able to fix it, so it likely won't be permanent and therefore you'll only have to deal with it for a limited time.

[Presumably. Hopefully. And who knows how long that time might be. But that's still better than it being permanent, right?

Yeah. He's nailing it. Might as well get the next part of what he has to say out at the same time, because it truly is important even if he isn't sure how Michael might take it.]

But if your fear is that you don't have control, that doesn't seem to be the case.

[Which is a good sign and something that can be a starting place to work on managing whatever really is going on.]

[Yeah, he needs to sit down after all, if only to make it harder to do things like that. Michael mumbles something that might be an apology before moving to place himself on Lance's couch. He folds his hands on his lap, to try and keep them occupied with each other, like they have minds of their own.

Limited time, yeah, that's what he's hoping. Even if he has to die to reset or something, so be it. He can't live with this indefinitely, it'll drive him crazy. And maybe hurt someone.]

I've kept it in check so far, kind of, but I don't know how long I can keep that up.

[He's had kind of a bad track record of self-control, and he knows it.]

I'm just so fucking angry and I don't know where to put it. It's like there isn't room for it all.

[It's a relief that Michael sits down, because that makes him a little less threatening, and Lance moves to a suitable place to continue talking but still be able to maintain a little distance.

He nods again at what Michael says, thinking it over for a moment. It seems... Kind of ridiculous to use anger management strategies--which are so incredibly mundane--to treat something cause by a supernatural being screwing up a resurrection, but he isn't sure there are a lot of other options.

But before that, he decides to ask another question first.]

I saw your hands; have you been hitting something? Does that help at all with the anger?

[Because if he can be set up with something to punch that isn't going to hurt him, and that actually gives him any benefit, then that's a potentially simple method of providing an outlet that can be done almost immediately, while working on the more mental strategies.]

[Michael's first instinct is to be defensive, but Lance isn't accusing him, he's just asking a question. It's fine. Calm down.]

It helps in the moment, I guess, but then I feel bad about it.

[Probably because he keeps breaking his stuff. And other peoples' stuff. Normally he's the kind of person that apologizes to a chair when he bumps it, so shattering dishware and mirrors is not making him feel great.]

It's not like, a thing I do when I'm frustrated, I just do it without thinking.

[Except when he manages not to, which is thankfully most of the time. For now.]

If there's something you can keep with you, or at least at your house, that is harmless to hit--such as a pillow or punching bag--then that might provide some help short term. It's not a great long-term solution, but for now it might be useful especially if you're feeling overwhelmed by the anger.

[Getting out aggression in a way that doesn't hurt anyone can be beneficial in a lot of ways. But as far as more long lasting solutions go, that usually involves getting at the underlying cause of the anger, which... May or may not even be possible, if it's really an issue caused by a faulty resurrection. He's also a little hesitant to suggest the idea in general.]

You want me to carry a pillow around?

[He sounds grumpy but it's kind of a good idea. He should at least have something at hand that won't hurt anybody if he snaps. But Lance said "short term", and the truth of that is pretty obvious. He doesn't really want to ask, but-]

I guess that might help sometimes, but what about the long term? This kind of feels like a bomb waiting to go off. What happens when pillows aren't enough?

[Maybe that was a stupid thing to say. (His filter has sort of degraded, too, he's noticing.) And he hasn't even gotten to the part about the monster, which he's not even sure he should bring up at all. He's at least going to have to ease into it.]

Maybe not a pillow when you're outside the house, but something along the same lines that you can take out aggression on. Something like a hacky-sack, which you can throw but isn't likely to hurt anyone or anything.

[Stress balls would also be good, but probably less likely to find. And okay, well, with that question he supposes he's going to have to just say it.]

Normally, managing anger issues effectively in the long term requires handling the underlying issue causing it. Even if your emotions are being amplified, as long as they're not coming from somewhere else entirely this method should still work.

[But, probably obviously, this is somewhat new territory.]

[Ah, okay, there it is. The underlying issue.]

That's... maybe going to be complicated.

[It's not like there isn't any underlying issue. Michael's not that self-unaware. He's had some anger problems in the past, but not for like, a decade at this point. There's no way that this much rage has nothing to do with the literal man-eating monster in his head. The glowing eye thing can't be a coincidence.]

I think maybe this is coming from somewhere else, just not the gods. Were you, uh, around me at all during the Null attack?

[A nice way of asking if he saw the screeching hellbeast.]

Intermittently.

[And he saw a whole lot of weirdness that he didn't really have time to question; the situation was such a chaotic mess from the start of the invasion to the finish, so anything that ended up helping the people here fight the Null just kind of got a pass from him at the time.]

I saw some sort of creature, but I can't say anything really more specific.

[As far as the subject goes, anyway; his attention had been elsewhere most of the time.]

[Some sort of creature, that's a good place to start.]

The big, black, bony thing, with the glowing eyes?

[He pointedly turns his very similar eyes in Lance's direction.]

That's mine, kind of. We're sort of... cohabiting.

[And now they might be cohabiting his emotions as well as his body.]

I didn't really see its eyes, but yes.

[Lance had tried not to look at the thing too much; it was terrifying, honestly, and as much as Lance has gotten used to the sorts of events that happen here, sometimes it's just a little overwhelming. The Visitor was one of those things, and so the few times he did catch sight of it he gave it as much distance as possible.

But the point of mentioning its eyes is clear enough, especially with the rest of what Michael says, and Lance nods cautiously. Okay. Well, that's... Creepy, and not something Lance necessarily knows how to handle, but he's going to try to help as much as he can.]

Do you think that's the reason for your current difficulties? That it's the... Being cohabiting with you that's actually angry?

[Michael relaxes- if only infinitesimally- when Lance doesn't get Weird about the ghost monster thing. Step in the right direction. He doesn't know if he could trust someone who looked at him like he was dangerous. Even if that... sort of is the smart reaction.]

I'm the one who's getting angry, because it's not over stuff that it would get angry about.

[At least he's pretty sure the Visitor wouldn't care much about a chipped mug. Unless it somehow murdered someone.]

I think they're my emotions, but it's the one overreacting. Or maybe we both are? God, I don't know. It's like the lines got blurry.

[This is... So incredibly outside of Lance's realm of expertise, but he's still determined to figure something out.]

Can the two of you communicate in any way?

[Because if so, that might make things easier.]

And do you know what calms it down? If you're able to do so, it may be easier to discern how much of the anger is coming from it and how much is your own.

[And therefore easier to develop and implement a strategy for managing it.]

[Oh. Oh buddy. Bad question. Michael can do the first one, at least.]

Not really. We can hear each other, but it doesn't use words. It's kind of like talking to a dog. And besides that, it's been... weirdly quiet since.

[Since he died, that is. When he hears the other question, he feels like he should be careful about answering it. He should take his time, maybe. But fuck it, everyone already knows, and he is fresh out of patience.]

I know what calms it down but you don't want to hear about it, and I don't want to do it. It's kind of what I came here to avoid, honestly.

[There, at least he made it through without saying the word "murder" even once. Lance is smart. He can read between lines, probably.]

[He can't exactly guess specifically from how limited his information is, but he definitely gets the general idea. So okay, that particular strategy is out.]

Alright, then unfortunately that means you're going to have to focus only on controlling your own part of things. If they're truly your emotions but it's amplifying them, then that might not be as difficult as it seems. Is there any pattern to what sort of things make you more angry than others? You said earlier that you were getting easily frustrated by even small events; is that usually the cause of the anger, or can other things bring it on as well?

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cw: what could potentially count as suicidal ideation

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