hadriel | >> video.

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[ He has no idea what the fuck is going on, but he knows he's never felt like this before. He's reflected on the things he regrets, of course, and he's been haunted by the choices he made in certain situations, but he carries on with the business of living well enough. He takes what he can get, what joy he can find, and he focuses on that.

So, what the fuck. ]

Anyone else feeling pretty shitty almost non-stop?

[ He has no shame in talking to people, why the hell not? He has nothing to hide in expressing his emotions, though that doesn't at all mean he's ready or willing to just confess all his sins to whoever the hell is listening right now. He's got some measure of control still. ]

I was a fucking asshole once. I get it. I know it.

But whatever this feeling is now - shit. It's this place, right? It's gotta be.

[ And he has this desperate, almost suffocating need to fix the terrible things he's done, but he can't. He's just paralyzed by this overwhelming feeling of being an irredeemable asshole. ]

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[Margaery has been feeling terribly ever since her ordeal with the demon, but now she's been having feelings of guilt over the people she had to step on in order to become queen and she does not like this feeling one bit, thank you]

It likely is this place, but that doesn't make the feelings invoked any less real.

It sure fucking doesn't. Never felt this bad in my life. Shit.

[ He lets out a breath, frowning a little. ]

Sorry. I mean. Wish no one else had to go through it, honestly.

I'm sorry. You're new here, are you not? This is a poor excuse for a welcome.

As do I. This is--unpleasant. I'd rather not dwell on my feelings this way.

Yeah. Just got here. I still have that new car smell. [ His attempt at a joke right now falls flat because there's really no humor in his voice to accompany it. ]

How do you think we fix it? Can we fix it, the way we're feeling?

New car...? Oh! That's a joke. [they don't have cars in Westeros, but she's heard of them]

I don't know about you, but I personally feel the need to make amends with those I harmed. Is that a possibility for you?

[ Okay that was cute. She must be from a different world. Maybe. ]

I want to. I wanna talk to them right now, the people I hurt. But how the fuck are we gonna do that?

[yes, from a distant world where everyone travels on horses or in carriages or litters]

Should I assume that they're all back home, or are any of them here?

Home and long gone. One's dead. [ By his own hand. Fuck. ] The other two - I left them. About fifteen years ago. Can't get any of that back.

I see. I'm sorry to hear that. Perhaps. . . talking about them would help?

[ Honestly, she has a point. And he wishes he could just shut himself up, but no, he feels like he has to talk. ]

Maybe. Yeah. Maybe. Been a long time coming.

Fuck. I don't wanna talk about this shit, is the thing. But I feel like I gotta. For them. For me, I guess. You're gonna fucking hate me by the end of it.

[it's likely an effect of the gods' interference, but she understands his urge to unburden himself of his sins]

Then, do it for yourself, to remove the burden from your heart. And I'm sure I won't hate you by the end of your story. My world is rather. . . brutal.

[ Easy for her to say now, until she hears what he did. ]

I was a soldier once. Killed people in combat, you know? But then I wasn't a soldier anymore. Some people, they uh - they hired me to kill other people for them, bad people. [ He takes a breath, feeling shaky at the memory. ] One of the people I killed, the day I killed him, his son was with him. This little kid. Just...completely fucking innocent, and he died. Because of me.

[so he was a soldier, then a sellsword. that's common enough in Westeros. including the part where an innocent got caught in the middle of things. she takes a moment to consider what to say]

...I see. Was there any way you could have known his son would be there?

[ He honestly has to think about that for a long moment. Analyzing everything he could have done. Rationally, he knows he couldn't have. But with the way his emotions are being fucked with now, it's hard to say otherwise. ]

The father - I knew all about him. Knew him inside and out. I knew all the terrible shit he did, I studied him so much I could've told you when he was gonna sneeze. I thought I knew him better than anyone. How the fuck did I miss that he had a kid? It wasn't in his file, I trailed him, I never knew.

But I should have - I don't know.

[ Then, whispered under his breath: ]

Fuck.

[she'd know the feeling. realistically, she'd know that the Lannisters would slaughter Robb Stark by any means necessary, but inwardly she's feeling terrible that House Tyrell endorsed such a thing as the Red Wedding]

...it sounds as though whoever this man was, he did his best to keep his son out of his affairs. Which is laudable on his part, but. You couldn't have known.

Feels like I should have. It's like I can't see my way through it, you know? This fucking guilt just weighing on me, like I can't breathe.

[ He takes a shaky breath in and out, rubbing a hand across his forehead. ]

Shit. I'm sorry, This isn't all about me. Are you okay?

Try to take a breath through your mouth, hold it for five seconds, and release it slowly through your nose. It's a trick my grandmother taught me for when I'd feel . . . overwhelmed by what lay before me. Perhaps it will help for that which is in the past, too?

[she watches in sympathy]

Me? [she tries to laugh it off] My concerns are--trivial in comparison.

[ He actually does exactly what she says, breathing in slowly, holding his breath and then letting it out slowly. His eyes close for a moment on that exhale, and then he nods a little, a look of mild surprise in his eyes. ]

That helped. Thank you.

[ They're strangers, but she's shown him so much kindness, and he appreciates that immensely, wanting to help her, too, if he can. ]

You said you wanna make amends. Whatever you're carrying around, it's not trivial. What you're feeling, it matters, too.

[she watches him follow her instructions and is relieved to see that they seem to be helping]

It's my pleasure.

[it's easier to be kind in Hadriel where she's not always looking over one shoulder to see if a knife is headed for her back]

It's just--it's not what I did. Not precisely. It's more like. . . what I didn't do.

Well, there's no judgment here. Promise.

[ He thinks what he told her was pretty terrible but she took it well, so whatever she's dealing with can't be nearly as bad. ]

What are you thinkin' about?

Thank you. I appreciate that.

[Westerosi politics and wars are brutal and unforgiving. the kind at heart and the honorable don't generally last long]

I wanted to be the queen. I wanted it more than anything else and I was willing to do whatever it took to obtain it. I coddled a madman, merely because he was king and marrying him would make me queen. I turned a blind eye to atrocities committed against the other side in a war. I used people and discarded them when they were no longer any use. Whatever it took to obtain a crown, I did.

[ He listens attentively, and with some measure of sympathy. And when she's done, he gently questions her. ]

So you got caught up in the lust for power, basically.

But it sounds like you regret it now?

[she looks like she's bracing herself for condemnation]

It's not that. Not only that.

As long as I can remember, I was trained. In politics, negotiation, everything I needed to be queen. But it wasn't just that. I was taught seduction. How to tell what kind of woman a man wanted and the become that woman. Because of those lessons, I felt. . . entitled to be the queen.

I regret how far I went. But I can't regret those lessons because they made me the person I am.

[ He's the last person who'd ever condemn someone like her. Far as he can tell, she wasn't out there torturing people, being cruel for the pure, sick enjoyment of it. She manipulated people in a way, and he knows that makes you feel kind of dirty and tainted inside, but she's a step above a lot of people from his perspective. She seems to at least recognize what she did wrong, that's more than can be said for a lot of people. ]

You know, for what it's worth, honey, I think uh, just thinking that? Being able to look at what you did and know it wasn't maybe the right thing or the best thing, but it made you...you? That's saying something. My opinion's not worth much, I barely fucking know you, but just my two cents. That's the whole point of regret and shit, right? Being able to at least take something from it, learn something, let it shape you?

[she definitely manipulated people. she tried to get Joffrey to rein in his more sadistic impulses and when that failed, she played along. she regrets the latter]

My grandmother's lessons shaped the person I am today. Though, since I've been here, I've found that I don't have to rely on them as much as I did in Westeros. People here are. . . different. Mostly. They respond better to honesty. But I'm still the person I was in Westeros, just a little. . . more open? I hope that you're able to find some of the same freedom here.

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