[He's never particularly thought of himself as the most decent person. He knows better. And he's fine with that. It's just this one instance that bothers him.]
[Mello doesn't bother typing out a response when he sees this. His voice comes out entirely too shrill and shocked for his liking, but it's not especially important at the moment.]
[He doesn't see the need to switch, considering he already has a text conversation going at the moment. But he is very, very displeased with Sorrow's revival right now. Not only admitting this, but admitting it publicly.
[Is it really so surprising that Mello has seen it?]
[He'd considered using the real notebook to control Mikami, but decided against it. Remember that weird stuff about Traveling he told you about, Mello? Surprise.]
[Now that he's had a moment to let the shock of this reality set in, Mello finds that this fact is an uncomfortable one to face.]
What happened?
[It's not said gently, because Mello is not a gentle person. But it's close enough - no judgment, genuinely curious with an under-note of something approaching concern.]
[He isn't so bogged down in the sadness that he doesn't stop to analyze the tone. Given their previous discussions and interactions here. . . perhaps it shouldn't be so unexpected that there's no judgement and even that touch of concern.
[It's still strange, though. The latter at least.]
I wasn't myself at the time. She wasn't either. In that world, we were computer programs. High-level antivirus. [Yes, Mello. Near has actually been an aspect of a computer. It would be ironic or funny under better circumstances, wouldn't it?] She got infected. I didn't want to kill her, but I'd felt it was necessary.
[It sounds utterly ridiculous, but they've already established the foundation understanding of the unusual nature of the realities Near has experienced, and there is nothing to be gained by lying about this. And if anyone will understand the nature of the situation Near describes, it's Mello.]
[There is more to it than that, but even under Sorrow's influence, Near does no such thing as admit that one of the reasons he hadn't wanted to do it is because he'd cared about Mai in that world. And the care had bled over to his real self.]
[And that cuts Mello entirely too close, too sharp. It resonates too loudly with what happened with Sharon, what he'd been told happened to Matt. He has to breathe hard for a moment in order to feel righted again.]
Hindsight's 20/20, Near. It's a hackneyed phrase but it's also true. We can't predict outcomes with absolute certainty. Sometimes, we gamble, and we lose.
[Some of them more than others. That's the nature of taking risks.]
[He knows that gambles can result in losses. That why he typically doesn't gamble, why he tries to carefully account for everything. "N.E.A.R" had gambled and lost, and killed the only person he'd cared for. "Liam" had gambled and lost, and gotten possessed by Indigo.
[And frankly . . . even if it truly had been necessary, Near isn't sure it would have helped the feelings. Perhaps it would have shifted specifically from regretting the act to regretting the necessity of it.
[The words sound oddly like Mello is trying to reassure him. That's an anomaly. This is a weakness he should pounce on, to finally pay him back some of the hurt Near has caused throughout their lives. But then, Mello had shown a similar one when they'd crossed paths at Sorrow's orchard the other day, and Near had declined to take advantage of it due to his own low mood. Perhaps this is the same.]
[Nothing soothes the sting of losing. Only winning can bring satisfaction. Only Mello doesn't know that from experience, does he, and that's what it sounds like Near is saying, in that infuriatingly indirect way he favors. It was stupid of Mello to say this much, to act in such a human manner. He just can't seem to stop losing, can he.
When he speaks again, his tone is much colder, angrier, more defensive:]
What do you care about what I feel, Near? You don't.
[It was actually about as honest a question as he ever asks. Unfortunately, the root of it does lie in "Mello loses so much that he must know if saying that is supposed to work or not". It hasn't made him feel better, is all.
[Winning is satisfying, when the opponent is good. Near can't deny that taking down Kira had felt good, but sometimes one loses things in the process of winning the game as a whole. And depending on what those things are, they can take some of the edge off the satisfaction.]
It's wasteful to say it, then.
[The harsh tone doesn't bother him. It never does. He actually does care about what Mello feels on some level, in some fashion. But why say so?]
[No sense in giving Near any more ammunition than he already has. It was a mistake to say anything, and just because Near hasn't used it against him now doesn't mean he won't.]
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Text
Yes to both.
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[He's never particularly thought of himself as the most decent person. He knows better. And he's fine with that. It's just this one instance that bothers him.]
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[He isn't supposed to feel anything. Doesn't, usually. But that got him.]
hijacks in with private voice o/
What?!
Private Text
[Is it really so surprising that Mello has seen it?]
I know you can read, Mello.
permaprivatevoice.
[He's just. Not believing his eyes.]
Was it the notebook?
permaprivate text
[He'd considered using the real notebook to control Mikami, but decided against it. Remember that weird stuff about Traveling he told you about, Mello? Surprise.]
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[It's hard to discern tone in text, even for someone like Near.]
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It happened elsewehere.
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What happened?
[It's not said gently, because Mello is not a gentle person. But it's close enough - no judgment, genuinely curious with an under-note of something approaching concern.]
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[It's still strange, though. The latter at least.]
I wasn't myself at the time. She wasn't either. In that world, we were computer programs. High-level antivirus. [Yes, Mello. Near has actually been an aspect of a computer. It would be ironic or funny under better circumstances, wouldn't it?] She got infected. I didn't want to kill her, but I'd felt it was necessary.
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If it was necessary, then you had to do it.
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[There is more to it than that, but even under Sorrow's influence, Near does no such thing as admit that one of the reasons he hadn't wanted to do it is because he'd cared about Mai in that world. And the care had bled over to his real self.]
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Hindsight's 20/20, Near. It's a hackneyed phrase but it's also true. We can't predict outcomes with absolute certainty. Sometimes, we gamble, and we lose.
[Some of them more than others. That's the nature of taking risks.]
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[And frankly . . . even if it truly had been necessary, Near isn't sure it would have helped the feelings. Perhaps it would have shifted specifically from regretting the act to regretting the necessity of it.
[The words sound oddly like Mello is trying to reassure him. That's an anomaly. This is a weakness he should pounce on, to finally pay him back some of the hurt Near has caused throughout their lives. But then, Mello had shown a similar one when they'd crossed paths at Sorrow's orchard the other day, and Near had declined to take advantage of it due to his own low mood. Perhaps this is the same.]
Does saying that ever make you feel better?
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[Nothing soothes the sting of losing. Only winning can bring satisfaction. Only Mello doesn't know that from experience, does he, and that's what it sounds like Near is saying, in that infuriatingly indirect way he favors. It was stupid of Mello to say this much, to act in such a human manner. He just can't seem to stop losing, can he.
When he speaks again, his tone is much colder, angrier, more defensive:]
What do you care about what I feel, Near? You don't.
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[Winning is satisfying, when the opponent is good. Near can't deny that taking down Kira had felt good, but sometimes one loses things in the process of winning the game as a whole. And depending on what those things are, they can take some of the edge off the satisfaction.]
It's wasteful to say it, then.
[The harsh tone doesn't bother him. It never does. He actually does care about what Mello feels on some level, in some fashion. But why say so?]
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[No sense in giving Near any more ammunition than he already has. It was a mistake to say anything, and just because Near hasn't used it against him now doesn't mean he won't.]