[He isn't so bogged down in the sadness that he doesn't stop to analyze the tone. Given their previous discussions and interactions here. . . perhaps it shouldn't be so unexpected that there's no judgement and even that touch of concern.
[It's still strange, though. The latter at least.]
I wasn't myself at the time. She wasn't either. In that world, we were computer programs. High-level antivirus. [Yes, Mello. Near has actually been an aspect of a computer. It would be ironic or funny under better circumstances, wouldn't it?] She got infected. I didn't want to kill her, but I'd felt it was necessary.
[It sounds utterly ridiculous, but they've already established the foundation understanding of the unusual nature of the realities Near has experienced, and there is nothing to be gained by lying about this. And if anyone will understand the nature of the situation Near describes, it's Mello.]
[There is more to it than that, but even under Sorrow's influence, Near does no such thing as admit that one of the reasons he hadn't wanted to do it is because he'd cared about Mai in that world. And the care had bled over to his real self.]
[And that cuts Mello entirely too close, too sharp. It resonates too loudly with what happened with Sharon, what he'd been told happened to Matt. He has to breathe hard for a moment in order to feel righted again.]
Hindsight's 20/20, Near. It's a hackneyed phrase but it's also true. We can't predict outcomes with absolute certainty. Sometimes, we gamble, and we lose.
[Some of them more than others. That's the nature of taking risks.]
[He knows that gambles can result in losses. That why he typically doesn't gamble, why he tries to carefully account for everything. "N.E.A.R" had gambled and lost, and killed the only person he'd cared for. "Liam" had gambled and lost, and gotten possessed by Indigo.
[And frankly . . . even if it truly had been necessary, Near isn't sure it would have helped the feelings. Perhaps it would have shifted specifically from regretting the act to regretting the necessity of it.
[The words sound oddly like Mello is trying to reassure him. That's an anomaly. This is a weakness he should pounce on, to finally pay him back some of the hurt Near has caused throughout their lives. But then, Mello had shown a similar one when they'd crossed paths at Sorrow's orchard the other day, and Near had declined to take advantage of it due to his own low mood. Perhaps this is the same.]
[Nothing soothes the sting of losing. Only winning can bring satisfaction. Only Mello doesn't know that from experience, does he, and that's what it sounds like Near is saying, in that infuriatingly indirect way he favors. It was stupid of Mello to say this much, to act in such a human manner. He just can't seem to stop losing, can he.
When he speaks again, his tone is much colder, angrier, more defensive:]
What do you care about what I feel, Near? You don't.
[It was actually about as honest a question as he ever asks. Unfortunately, the root of it does lie in "Mello loses so much that he must know if saying that is supposed to work or not". It hasn't made him feel better, is all.
[Winning is satisfying, when the opponent is good. Near can't deny that taking down Kira had felt good, but sometimes one loses things in the process of winning the game as a whole. And depending on what those things are, they can take some of the edge off the satisfaction.]
It's wasteful to say it, then.
[The harsh tone doesn't bother him. It never does. He actually does care about what Mello feels on some level, in some fashion. But why say so?]
[No sense in giving Near any more ammunition than he already has. It was a mistake to say anything, and just because Near hasn't used it against him now doesn't mean he won't.]
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[It's still strange, though. The latter at least.]
I wasn't myself at the time. She wasn't either. In that world, we were computer programs. High-level antivirus. [Yes, Mello. Near has actually been an aspect of a computer. It would be ironic or funny under better circumstances, wouldn't it?] She got infected. I didn't want to kill her, but I'd felt it was necessary.
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If it was necessary, then you had to do it.
no subject
[There is more to it than that, but even under Sorrow's influence, Near does no such thing as admit that one of the reasons he hadn't wanted to do it is because he'd cared about Mai in that world. And the care had bled over to his real self.]
no subject
Hindsight's 20/20, Near. It's a hackneyed phrase but it's also true. We can't predict outcomes with absolute certainty. Sometimes, we gamble, and we lose.
[Some of them more than others. That's the nature of taking risks.]
no subject
[And frankly . . . even if it truly had been necessary, Near isn't sure it would have helped the feelings. Perhaps it would have shifted specifically from regretting the act to regretting the necessity of it.
[The words sound oddly like Mello is trying to reassure him. That's an anomaly. This is a weakness he should pounce on, to finally pay him back some of the hurt Near has caused throughout their lives. But then, Mello had shown a similar one when they'd crossed paths at Sorrow's orchard the other day, and Near had declined to take advantage of it due to his own low mood. Perhaps this is the same.]
Does saying that ever make you feel better?
no subject
[Nothing soothes the sting of losing. Only winning can bring satisfaction. Only Mello doesn't know that from experience, does he, and that's what it sounds like Near is saying, in that infuriatingly indirect way he favors. It was stupid of Mello to say this much, to act in such a human manner. He just can't seem to stop losing, can he.
When he speaks again, his tone is much colder, angrier, more defensive:]
What do you care about what I feel, Near? You don't.
no subject
[Winning is satisfying, when the opponent is good. Near can't deny that taking down Kira had felt good, but sometimes one loses things in the process of winning the game as a whole. And depending on what those things are, they can take some of the edge off the satisfaction.]
It's wasteful to say it, then.
[The harsh tone doesn't bother him. It never does. He actually does care about what Mello feels on some level, in some fashion. But why say so?]
no subject
[No sense in giving Near any more ammunition than he already has. It was a mistake to say anything, and just because Near hasn't used it against him now doesn't mean he won't.]