hadriel | (Text)

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I have a thing to ask; a thing that is not acceptable in my world, but it is part of my story and I think I must acknowledge it. I have noticed that other residents of Hadriel share half of my inclination, at least, and I must ask:

Is it possible for one man or woman to be attracted to both genders? I mean no offense. I admit that my first love - unrequited - was female. My wife was surely female! But there was a male...briefly...though he was naught but a monster seeking to ravage the world.

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Am I to understand you can change your gender? That would solve a great many of my difficulties! Unfortunately I am solely male and completely unskilled in romance.

More that we're both at once, but yes, in a way. As for simple, I don't think it's truly any more so than any other race.

Why would you think you're unskilled?

My record is abysmal. To put it succinctly, two I cared for rejected me outright, one betrayed me to my death - which I half think I deserved since I betrayed my wife to love them. I am an utter fool.

Rejection isn't really a standard to use that way. If I counted the number of times I've been turned down, I doubt I'd be much more cheery. It happens. You move on.

I can't say much for the rest of it. I've never had that kind of...experience, I suppose. I'm sorry.

I take the rejections as a sign. If someone I care for does not wish to open their heart to me, how can I expect better of a stranger?

You needn't apologize. I am miserable and alone. My heart aches once I wake and it continues to do so until I sleep. I am scarred within and without, but even so...

If someone wished to take a chance on me and I cared for them, I do not think I could tell them no.

Why? It isn't always you. Maybe they aren't ready or they've got somehar else waiting, or they aren't in the mood. It's a part of life, it doesn't mean they love you any less.

If you keep thinking that way, you'll remain that way forever. My hostling, I think, might say that. He was rather fond of superstitions like that. But that's one that I do believe.

Is that really such a bad thing?

When an Elf pursues another, it is generally with marriage in mind. But, you are right, the first lady wed not long after and she is happy with him. The second, I believe, was in love with someone from her home. She was true to her heart and I respected it, though I did not realize her feelings until too late.

...I do not know where to begin. Until I make a step, I will remain this way. (And he doesn't want that. He feels old and bitter.)

No. It would be the first step to healing.

I still don't think I fully understand that sort of thinking, but I suppose I can respect it.

Perhaps you should take some time to consider what you want--or believe--the first step should be. Or if you even want to take it.

You could start there, then. Although I think it's rather more complicated than that.

Closing myself off will do me no good. It might be what I deserve, but I cannot pursue that fate. So, instead, if I should start to love again, I will be honest about it and hope...

Hope is all we have.

It sounds like you already know what you want. Why is it so hard for you to look for it?

I do not believe I deserve the happiness it might bring.

Because someone told you no a time or two? Or because you made a mistake?

My mistake could very well lead to the end of my world.

May I ask why?

I created rings of power. They were meant to augment and even give power to those who wore them. The leading races are in possession of them. The monster made another ring, in secret, that can rule all the others. That would give him power over the leaders of Men, Dwarves and Elves.

How is that your fault?

The monster is the one who instructed me on making the rings. He did so with one goal in mind. Domination.

[There's a bit of a pause while he considers telling the next story--whether his hostling would like it or not--but eventually he does respond. It isn't as if it's a secret. Everyhar knows of Cobweb's tragedy.]

My hostling, Cobweb, made a choice, once, and he would say that it changed the world forever. He left his home and his people for what he believed was the love of my father, only to find later that he'd been charmed by a beast who only wanted somehar pretty enough to give him children. Like me.

Terzian brutalized and hurt and took advantage of Cobweb badly--more, I'm sure, than I knew as a harling or than he would ever tell me, but he tried. He did his best. He kept himself, or tried to. He sacrificed so many things to keep me safe and it wasn't until later I understood them.

The things my father did are horrifying. I still don't know the extent of the damage he left on the world before he left it and I'm not entirely certain I want to. But he was a har unto himself. He made his own choices. Cobweb is not a monster because his love was corrupted by monsters. I think you might need to begin by separating the two also.

(An act done for good can be polluted, but that does not mean the original thought and feelings were wrong. Yes, Celebrimbor understands that wisdom, yet he is far too skilled at blaming himself for...just about everything, really.)

Your hostling is your mother. I think he would agree with me that his greatest love was not your father, but you.

I should not blame myself, but I know how proud and vain I was then. I thought no Darkness could touch what I made or who I protected. Yet, ironically, I was surrounded by it.

My one redeeming act was keeping three of the most powerful rings away from the monster's gaze. He still does not know where to find them.

That's the closest word for it, yes. And I do agree with you. Cobweb is still proud and vain and in some ways he should be.

You've done good things. You've done what you thought was best at the time. Hindsight does terrible things--believe me, I know. But the acts of a monster don't make yours monstrous.

He should be where you are concerned. I do not sense cruelty in you.

It is difficult to learn from our mistakes. I fight the wisdom because it hurts so.

I try every day not to be my father.

Cobweb would say that's the wisdom we need the most and remember the best.

The effort is worthwhile. Cruelty is a reprehensible trait.

I will not win this fight. Cobweb is right and I should follow his example.

He is rather wise, sometimes.

The thing I've learned about monsters is that they are very good at twisting the things you love just enough for you to still see your work in them. So you can blame yourself for the damage they do instead of the beast that created it.

I'm sure you weren't expecting to hear all of this from a stranger, but I hope it's at least helpful if not comforting. I like to think I've learned a thing or two by now.

I pray that I have limited the damage he wishes to do. My uncle says I am successful and that is a relief.

We need not stay strangers. I am Celebrimbor and these are lessons I should have learned many years ago. I must be a sluggish learner.

YOU ARE FORGIVEN

OKAY

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