duel 11. video (cw: death or dying)

[puzzlingly]

「It's been a while since he's made a video post in which he looks actually serious, he doesn't look sad for a change, just thoughtful.

When he finally speaks he does it uncharacteristically (for him) quietly, even though, firm.」

How do you deal with loss?

When people leave this place or, when you know you will never see someone you care for again?
When they pass away.
Do you try to forget about them... or... 「No, that thought actually hurts.」

What is that helps you to move on?

「If they do at all.

This has been in his mind ever since Maedhros and Celebrimbor were gone, and even way before. He didn't knew them personally, but he could see how much pain their departure had caused — only one person had made him feel that way, but it wasn't Yugi who left, it was him. Atem left them all and he cannot help but wonder, was he the cause of grief among his loved ones, the ones that survived him when he decided to give up his life, and then when he had to move on from the world of the living a second time?

He doesn't wish to think so highly of himself, but it's hard, specially when all his life the world did use to revolve around him. But he worries about those he left behind, they would be fine, wouldn't they? Heh, if only they knew he hasn't moved on at all, that he still talks to his partner in his head all the time... What a little hypocrite.」


「private text: Kaiba Seto」

Mokuba is gone.

「But Atem is sure he already knows. He doesn't expect a reply.」

Comments

[puzzlingly]

「The hurt becomes less... That helps. And it's true. But he's not sure why it becomes less, is it due forgetting the details and keeping just the good things? Human minds are a mystery, they overcome grief by removing the hurt.

It still helps, he'll take it.」 

There is a little place here, a memorial garden of sorts where people go put the names of those who have been here so they are not forgotten. And, yes, it does help, Kelson. 「It's nice to see him, it's been a while.」 I appreciate your words.

「He remembers how was it when his own father passed, but he was too young, nowadays he remembers very little. It still makes him a little sad. It's ironic that he went through exactly the same as Kelson.

He knows what he's asking can be a little too much, maybe sharing as well might help his friends not feel such a heavy burden from answering.」

I went through the same as you... I was eleven... and you?

「Atem never quite told him who he is, after all.」

[kingforboth]

That's good. Perhaps you'll be able to show me where that is one day. I'd like to see it.

[It has been a while since they last saw each other. Kelson has since adjusted more since then, although not entirely comfortable here yet. It's not home, and it will never be, but he can make the best of it. Or try.]

Thirteen.

[A ripple of puzzlement and then wonder went through Kelson's face, curious if Atem was hiding what he thought he was hiding, or if he was misunderstanding. Perhaps there was nothing more there than a son's grief?]

[puzzlingly]

「Someone said, and kept repeating to him that talking is good, he never quite did, not even after what they had to go through when the gods made them believe they were children again. When he had to relive that exact time.

Kelson's puzzlement is met with the tiniest of knowing smirks. He never hid it, he simply never mentioned it.」

It was a bit of a blur for me. I didn't have to do much more than look... pretty, but over all, to appear strong — they cannot see you cry, they'll think you're a weak king — so I never did.

「He did, just when no one was looking, or so he thought.」

[kingforboth]

[Kelson raised an eyebrow, understanding now, but not why Atem hadn't shared. He did understand the necessity of going unrecognized but here? Here he did not see the point. Kelson returned the small smirk.]

I see. You do understand. And no, they cannot see you cry. You be strong, uphold the image that is expected, go through the motions no matter how scared or terrified you are. And hope that the only ones who really see are those you can trust.

[Kelson had a small moment of sorrow, conveyed on his face, that Atem never had someone he could really lean on. He didn't have a Father Duncan or Alaric Morgan to run and cry to behind closed doors, seek reassurance with.]

Were you on your own?

[puzzlingly]

「He understands indeed, though he wishes none of them did. That they had never gone through it. There was so much pain that could have been avoided. But here they are, they can face it together, right?」

I know...

「He's shakes his head a little bit.」

No, I wasn't. I had my high priests, my uncle... 「Let's not go there...」 My Vizier too... They became my family, they supported me and helped me through it, but, nothing was ever the same I guess.

「He never allowed himself to show weakness before them either, but they could see his sadness anyway.

He's a little afraid to ask but.」 

... were you?

[kingforboth]

[Kelson listens as Atem describes a little bit of the government he had to work with, and in a way it seems more similar to Torenth than Gwynedd but he can see similarities. Kelson shook his head, smiling a bit. ]

No, I wasn't. The first two weeks were the hardest though. My father's...well I suppose he's mine, my Lord General had been sent away. He became as much of a father to me as mine ever was. Things were better when he arrived. But I had Father Duncan. He's my confessor. I don't know what I'd do without him, then or now.

[Kelson was having a hard enough time dealing here without him, he couldn't bear to think what would happen if Duncan died. The king wouldn't even let him accept a posting that wasn't at the palace. Kelson was...clingy.]

I'm glad you weren't alone.

[puzzlingly]

Heh.. I understand.

「Little does Kelson know (or maybe he does) how much of a struggle it can be to try to... be king in a place that is not yours, without the guidance of those who had ever supported him, it was even harder.」

As I am for you.

「To carry the weight of a country over their shoulder alone, there is no one out there that can do that on their own.」 

Thank you. They made me who I am today.

「He says with a melancholic smile. Ah, he did not intend to get so gloomy or sentimental about it all, but he supposes with the topic at hand, it was a little unavoidable.」

[kingforboth]

[Kelson did not know that struggle. When he became king, he had his fathers council, whether or not their actions became treasonous was another story. He still had guidance. Or assumed guidance. A few trusted.]

Yes, they did indeed. I miss them terribly here.

[Kelson no doubt also sported a melancholic smile, thoughts lingering on those back home who he wished desperately to see, to fling his arms around and bask in the support he knew they had to offer.]

[puzzlingly]

「And that's exactly the place (here) where he's struggling even now.」

I guess it's about time we learn from our own mistakes, huh?

「And oh good Horakhty, hasn't he messed up big time during his time here...? But even so, he wasn't alone, not completely. If he had been, it would have been a completely different story.」

[kingforboth]

[The part of Kelson that was a moody eighteen year old teenager instead of just king wanted to stamp his feet and argue that he didn't want to learn from his mistakes without them. But there was little point to that. So he just sulked.]

I suppose. I'd rather have them there to help me understand though. It's always easier when Father Duncan is there. He helps me understand and listen to my conscience.

[Kelson could almost hear his Champion reproaching him, asking him is Duncan was his conscience, indicating he needed to listen to it himself and stop using the priest as a crutch. As for Horakhty, well, Kelson wasn't quite ready for that yet.]

[puzzlingly]

「It would certainly make everything easier! But the truth is, they'll never be just teenagers anymore.」

Hmm, that's what my Vizier did for me as well, my priests tried too, but I never wanted to burden them, even thought there was a particular one that... never quite let go, even if he became a pain in the ass, he helped me more than I gave him credit for back then.

「And he, he's here, well, not him, but his reincarnation. Maybe, after all this time, he should thank him for it, whether if he remembers or not.」

Beats embarrassing yourself in front of thousands of people-- that would have been disastrous.

[kingforboth]

Did you not have a special one you could go to? Like your Vizier? I would think that would be part of his job.

[Kelson smiled, familiar with court advisers and officials who became a rather big pain, even if they were helpful.]

And yes, it certainly does help. Not appearing in control or competent in front of your court and citizenry is disastrous.

[puzzlingly]

His job was to rule over the most mundane aspects of my country. Not to coddle me. But... Yeah, I did have a very special friend, my most faithful would always be there when I needed him, but also would always follow my wishes and would do as I told him. If I wanted to be alone, he'd leave alone, but I always knew he was close. Heh, he thought I didn't notice but I did.

「He smiles at the memory, not even after his death did Mahad leave him by himself, he always protected him and keeps doing so in a way.」

It feels strange to talk about this. It's been a long time since I've been that person...

「There was no point here, surely Kelson knew it.」

[kingforboth]

[Kelson raised an eyebrow, thinking that there were some aspects of their kingships and governments that were not the same. He wouldn't say Father Duncan coddled him, but he was always there to listen.]

I'm glad you had someone at least to go to. I had Father Duncan, that was part of his job, king's confessor. He was there to help and guide me, and listen when I needed him.

[Kelson knew there was no need to be that person here, but habits were also hard to break.]

Has it? I've been here for months and I still have trouble, fall back on old habits. I don't think I ever will not be that person. In some respect.

[puzzlingly]

Confessor... huh? 「He did not really have such thing, he was not supposed to have anything to confess to start with. It is different.」 Sounds useful.

Yeah... I guess you're right.

[kingforboth]

[Different lands, different cultures. At the moment, Kelson had no idea just how different.]

I don't know where I'd be without him. I miss him terribly here.

Have you found a balance?

[puzzlingly]

A balance?

「Nani?」

[kingforboth]

Between the two. Yourself as king and who you can be when you take off the crown. Here.

[puzzlingly]

「He bites his lower lip, just barely as he gives him a bit of a smirk.」

Have you?

[kingforboth]

[Kelson gave a smirk back, perhaps a slightly bigger one than Atem's.]

It's a work in progress.

[puzzlingly]

「They are such embarrassments...」

Heh... I guess you could say that.

「Nope, definitely not nearly there.」

[kingforboth]

[Considering Kelson was still carrying around his crown, very much a work in progress]

I'm not sure it's possible. But, at the least, it is livable.

[puzzlingly]

「Hey, if Atem had his, there is no frigging way he'd take if off!」

One day at a time kind of thing, right?

[kingforboth]

[Kelson settles for wearing his as a gigantic bracelet that doesn't fit. Although, that's not really that different from normal given how often he has to be reminded to put it on in public.]

Just like any other day. One day at a time.

[puzzlingly]

「It's all or nothing with this one, in most aspects of his life anyway. Not always the best of qualities, really.

He gives Kelson a long but affable glance.」

Thank you, Kelson.