duel 11. video (cw: death or dying)

[puzzlingly]

「It's been a while since he's made a video post in which he looks actually serious, he doesn't look sad for a change, just thoughtful.

When he finally speaks he does it uncharacteristically (for him) quietly, even though, firm.」

How do you deal with loss?

When people leave this place or, when you know you will never see someone you care for again?
When they pass away.
Do you try to forget about them... or... 「No, that thought actually hurts.」

What is that helps you to move on?

「If they do at all.

This has been in his mind ever since Maedhros and Celebrimbor were gone, and even way before. He didn't knew them personally, but he could see how much pain their departure had caused — only one person had made him feel that way, but it wasn't Yugi who left, it was him. Atem left them all and he cannot help but wonder, was he the cause of grief among his loved ones, the ones that survived him when he decided to give up his life, and then when he had to move on from the world of the living a second time?

He doesn't wish to think so highly of himself, but it's hard, specially when all his life the world did use to revolve around him. But he worries about those he left behind, they would be fine, wouldn't they? Heh, if only they knew he hasn't moved on at all, that he still talks to his partner in his head all the time... What a little hypocrite.」


「private text: Kaiba Seto」

Mokuba is gone.

「But Atem is sure he already knows. He doesn't expect a reply.」

Comments

video

[am_i_a_monster]

I keep people in my memory palace and keep going because I have to. It's all I can do.

I'm sorry you lost people.

video

[puzzlingly]

Memory palace?

「Mind you, he doesn't look like he's really grieving, it's easy to hide that when you've been doing it for a long, long time. He manages a bit of a smirk there.」

So you keep them in your memories. Does it help?

「He's lost people, but, it is not about that, not that he might talk about it.」

video

[am_i_a_monster]

Yeah, it's an old trick. You create a place in your mind. It doesn't have to be a palace. It could just be a house. You give each person you miss a room. You can visit them there.

It helps me. Sometimes.

video

[kingforboth]

You never forget about them. The hurt becomes a little less as time goes on, but you never forget.

I'm told that ceremonies often bring people peace. A sense of closure. I suppose here if they return, there are no bodies, but perhaps something to remember them by? A token to house in a place of respect.

Keeping busy is quite helpful. After my father died, there was enough going on with the funeral and coronation and different affairs that needed to be dealt with. Being busy helps. But sometimes, you need to be alone with your thoughts.

Does that help? I'm not usually the one giving advice like this. That's Father Duncan's territory.

video

[puzzlingly]

Hmm... Sounds like a Soul Room.

「Yes, she's allowed to ask.」

I'm glad... That it helps, that you do not forget them.

「Not entirely at least. Her answer soothes his fear as much as it ignites it. Not being forgotten meant that the memories could still hurt as well.」

But, why not all the time?

video

[am_i_a_monster]

A soul room? Is that a religious thing?

It does..and it can help me to forgot too. I can lock away the bad memories in their own room.

[She looks down.]

Sometimes it just hurts, you know? Missing people, feeling guilty, all that stuff.

video

[puzzlingly]

Not quite, all of us, have a Soul Room, deep into our 心.

「The word doesn't come translated as Hadriel's magic usually does, kokoro is the sound that comes from him.」  

It's a little place that contains who we are, with items that reflect our personality. My partner... he... 「He hesitates a second, but this is Abigail, she'd understand.」 his room was very bright, a little childish, with toys and games all around.

「One would even say it was a little messy, but it felt nice to be there. It reflected Yugi's personality through and through, his kindness and warmth. How is it that he got to be there is another story altogether.」

video;

[writtendestiny]

Remember them. If you forget on purpose, you're just turning your back on them.

[Poison clearly has some strong feelings about this particular topic, her voice sharp-edged and her violet eyes keen on the young man as she replies to him.

She's lost many people in the time she's been away from home. Dozens. It hurts every time, but she knows it's important to never forget.]

Remember them, talk about them, even if it hurts.

[puzzlingly]

「The hurt becomes less... That helps. And it's true. But he's not sure why it becomes less, is it due forgetting the details and keeping just the good things? Human minds are a mystery, they overcome grief by removing the hurt.

It still helps, he'll take it.」 

There is a little place here, a memorial garden of sorts where people go put the names of those who have been here so they are not forgotten. And, yes, it does help, Kelson. 「It's nice to see him, it's been a while.」 I appreciate your words.

「He remembers how was it when his own father passed, but he was too young, nowadays he remembers very little. It still makes him a little sad. It's ironic that he went through exactly the same as Kelson.

He knows what he's asking can be a little too much, maybe sharing as well might help his friends not feel such a heavy burden from answering.」

I went through the same as you... I was eleven... and you?

「Atem never quite told him who he is, after all.」

video

[am_i_a_monster]

Deep in your heart? [She guesses.] That would be like a memory palace.

[She looks up again and manages a small smile.] Your partner sounds like he was a happy guy.

video;

[puzzlingly]

「Her conviction and sharp words are met with a very mild smile. She's not one to know that he's seeking exactly that. He would never forget those that had left, but what if they forgot him? It's been a long time for him... His kingdom lost in the sands of time, his name erased and left to be forgotten, only very little would remember him.」

Even if it hurts, huh?

「He knows its a heavy topic, but, the least he wants is for them to hurt on his account.」

Video

[knifecollecting]

[Jo isn't looking at the camera, but she does start a video.]

Even if you want to forget, sometimes you can't. I want to remember. It's important to me. [But, the kid asked about moving on.]

Moving on takes time. And it's hard. You have to focus on who you still have.

[kingforboth]

That's good. Perhaps you'll be able to show me where that is one day. I'd like to see it.

[It has been a while since they last saw each other. Kelson has since adjusted more since then, although not entirely comfortable here yet. It's not home, and it will never be, but he can make the best of it. Or try.]

Thirteen.

[A ripple of puzzlement and then wonder went through Kelson's face, curious if Atem was hiding what he thought he was hiding, or if he was misunderstanding. Perhaps there was nothing more there than a son's grief?]

video

[puzzlingly]

「He nods, he doesn't quite notice that his words don't get translated, but she gets it. The mind, the soul, the heart.」

Well, I'm not sure if one single room can be a palace but — yeah, I guess it must be.

「There is a blatant pang of hurt that cross his eyes at that last. But he just chooses to look away.」

He was... is.

「Yugi is still very much alive, and hopefully still happy. He truly hopes so, and that's exactly what he's afraid of, what if he's not anymore? What if he misses him as much as he does? Does he still talk to him, as Atem himself does when no one else is listening?

He shouldn't have left, he shouldn't have left, he shouldn't have left he shouldn'thavele--」

Have you been sleeping well?

「He needs to change the topic, he needs to. At least for a moment.」 

video

[am_i_a_monster]

[Is, not was. He doesn't think his partner's dead than she won't either, though no one knows what's been happening back home.]

He is special enough to you for it to be a palace.

[She says it quietly. After all, she doesn't even know his partner. At his question, she shakes her head.]

I was sleeping well, but then something happened and now it's hard to feel safe enough to sleep.

[puzzlingly]

「Someone said, and kept repeating to him that talking is good, he never quite did, not even after what they had to go through when the gods made them believe they were children again. When he had to relive that exact time.

Kelson's puzzlement is met with the tiniest of knowing smirks. He never hid it, he simply never mentioned it.」

It was a bit of a blur for me. I didn't have to do much more than look... pretty, but over all, to appear strong — they cannot see you cry, they'll think you're a weak king — so I never did.

「He did, just when no one was looking, or so he thought.」

[kingforboth]

[Kelson raised an eyebrow, understanding now, but not why Atem hadn't shared. He did understand the necessity of going unrecognized but here? Here he did not see the point. Kelson returned the small smirk.]

I see. You do understand. And no, they cannot see you cry. You be strong, uphold the image that is expected, go through the motions no matter how scared or terrified you are. And hope that the only ones who really see are those you can trust.

[Kelson had a small moment of sorrow, conveyed on his face, that Atem never had someone he could really lean on. He didn't have a Father Duncan or Alaric Morgan to run and cry to behind closed doors, seek reassurance with.]

Were you on your own?

[puzzlingly]

「He understands indeed, though he wishes none of them did. That they had never gone through it. There was so much pain that could have been avoided. But here they are, they can face it together, right?」

I know...

「He's shakes his head a little bit.」

No, I wasn't. I had my high priests, my uncle... 「Let's not go there...」 My Vizier too... They became my family, they supported me and helped me through it, but, nothing was ever the same I guess.

「He never allowed himself to show weakness before them either, but they could see his sadness anyway.

He's a little afraid to ask but.」 

... were you?

Video

[puzzlingly]

「When he notices her not looking at the camera, out of respect, he does the same.」

Have you ever?

「Moved on, that's it.」

video

[puzzlingly]

「She's right, though. That alone makes him utter a strained chuckle. But in his case, he wonders if he should not be living in that palace all the time. Who knows.」

You're right.

「Focusing on her instead brings him back to the here and now, it's not ideal, but he's probably not ready yet to talk so much about his partner.」

What happened?

「Can he know?」

[kingforboth]

[Kelson listens as Atem describes a little bit of the government he had to work with, and in a way it seems more similar to Torenth than Gwynedd but he can see similarities. Kelson shook his head, smiling a bit. ]

No, I wasn't. The first two weeks were the hardest though. My father's...well I suppose he's mine, my Lord General had been sent away. He became as much of a father to me as mine ever was. Things were better when he arrived. But I had Father Duncan. He's my confessor. I don't know what I'd do without him, then or now.

[Kelson was having a hard enough time dealing here without him, he couldn't bear to think what would happen if Duncan died. The king wouldn't even let him accept a posting that wasn't at the palace. Kelson was...clingy.]

I'm glad you weren't alone.

[outofthefire]

I lost the first friend I made here not too long ago. It hurts, 'cause I know I'm never gonna see her again. We're from different worlds. I just wish I could've said goodbye.

As for moving on. . . I'll get back to you on that when I figure it out.

[puzzlingly]

Heh.. I understand.

「Little does Kelson know (or maybe he does) how much of a struggle it can be to try to... be king in a place that is not yours, without the guidance of those who had ever supported him, it was even harder.」

As I am for you.

「To carry the weight of a country over their shoulder alone, there is no one out there that can do that on their own.」 

Thank you. They made me who I am today.

「He says with a melancholic smile. Ah, he did not intend to get so gloomy or sentimental about it all, but he supposes with the topic at hand, it was a little unavoidable.」

[roseofthetyrells]

When I lost Matt. . . it hurt more than I thought I could bear. But I did. I have friends like you who helped me grieve and didn't let me give up hope that I could join him in his world.

Moving on. [a short laugh] The truth is, I haven't. I'm still in love with him and I still plan to join him when my time here comes to an end. So I suppose I'm not the one to ask for advice about moving on.

[puzzlingly]

I'm sorry...

「He did't wish to bring those sentiments of grief to the surface, but, it was unavoidable.」

I'm starting to wonder if anyone ever does.

「That alone brings him some mixed feelings, to know that they won't forget him so easily... it bring him some glee, but to know they will always hurt at his memory, does not. It's terrible. It makes him think, that maybe having met them was a bit of a mistake. But It hurts terribly to even imagine his life without them, as brief as it had been.」