04 | video, based on a true ooc story tbh

[cashlin]

[As much as Lilith's got a distaste for Fear, she loves any excuse to put on a stellar performance. She's got a palm, shimmering with purple phase energy, facing up just barely in sight at the edge of the feed, to set the mood: the wicked grin on her face is cast in shadow.]

Okay, okay, I got one. Picture this. [Lilith clears her throat, and puts her best DM voice on:]

You're on Pandora-- you and your teammates are the only people you've seen for miles and miles on the barren, dry wastes. Except for the Psychos who tried to chew your leg off. Soooo... the only sane people, I guess.

You're starving. You're tired. Two of you are almost bled out, held up by painkillers and the most minor of healing injections, numbing all the nerves in your body that're telling you to turn back and to stop chasing this next kill. But, hell, if you've come this far, you're not going to stop, are you?

And. [Dramatic pause.] At last, you find it. The Mothrakk. It's the mother of all the Rakks you've ever seen on Pandora: a span of torn-up skin wings bigger than you ever thought possible, scabbed-up flesh over its terrifying bony frame! How the hell is it flying, you ask? You don't have time to contemplate that shit, it's spitting fireballs at you, raining hellfire down from the fucking skies!

Whoops. [She's knocked the camera over while gesticulating mid-story. (You do have time to contemplate, apparently.) Lilith clears her throat and resets the camera before picking the tale right back up again.]

Over an hour of fierce battle, third degree burns, burnt-out rocket launchers, and exploded rover turrets later, the beast is dead. You've all won. The horrible creature comes down like a meteor, and it shakes the earth where it falls... a mile away.

[Lilith's phase energy blinks out.]

You walk all the way there, and it's only dropped a white-level gun.

[Is she gonna go th-- yep. She is.] A Tediore.

Dun-duh-duuuuuuun.

Comments

video

[attagirl]

-- yeah, but hold up.

[ oh god. axton actually looks kind of affronted here. ]

Tediore guns are awesome.

video

[cashlin]

I want my weapon to be incendiary 'cause it's supposed to be, not 'cause it's a piece of crap that backfired and burned my hand off.

[SHOTS FIRED]

video

[skelebro]

[Heyo, Lilith. Have a skeleton. Believe it or not, he's not actually like this to contribute to the spooky atmosphere.]

Is the scary part the part with the flying thing, or the gun?

video

[cashlin]

Gun. You wanna hear about a scary monster, I should tell you about th--aaaaaare you a skeleton.

[She's seen aliens and shit around here but ???? A SKELETON?]

Don't you need, like, a larynx to talk, buddy?

text

[unfollowing]

what the fuck

wtf is the point, this is somehow worse than fear's shitty story

text

[cashlin]

Omg nothing is worse than fears

You cant even resell a cheap gun like that!!! I blew so much on ammo and grenades and got NOTHING out of it!!!!

[Video]

[turbulentwind]

[He can't call this story scary, but...]

That would be really frustrating if you endured all that and your victory's spoils are terrible.

video

[cashlin]

Thank you! Finally, somebody gets it!

Though I guess this'd be more Rage's thing, then, huh?

[video]

[prazerbutterfly]

[While Tyki could also use his spoopy purple energy of Dark Matter he's just using a lantern so kindly provided even if he's barely visible.]

Your world sounds like somewhere I could never get bored. But seeing as I don't know guns to a specific brand explain to me what is wrong with this Tediore. Otherwise your story is ruined for me.

[video]

[cashlin]

[Oh boy, it's this asshole. Lilith figures there's no reason to be overly aggressive with him-- it's over video, he isn't especially asking for much-- but she can't help what preexisting distaste she has for the man.]

There's a good number of large weapons manufacturers in my universe. They makethings besides guns, but those are the biggest ones, right? They're a big deal. Tediore's stuff is supposed to be inexpensive, and for beginners-- apparently, to them, that translates to cheap toys that handle like crap.

Basically, I put in a whole day's worth of effort and got a joke back. And two teammates with severe burns.

[Text]

[hearthebell]

When I first found out about this network, my initial thought was that it could be applied in ways that were useful and conducive to productivity and unity.

I suppose it's not possible to be right 100% of the time.

[text]

[cashlin]

[RUDE??]

1. what better way to bond than to tell stupid stories on the network
2. dont be a dick

[video]

[mismanagement]

[Maketh is grinning. Just a little.] All that effort and only a low level gun for your efforts? How awful. You must have been heartbroken.

[video]

[cashlin]

[Who else would side with her but Maketh. She smiles back! SWEET VINDICATION.]

Yes! Oh my God, I was pissed. Everybody was-- Mordecai burned an eyebrow off for that joke. I'm never going after a bounty on anything airborne ever again.

voice.

[scarletcast]

I don't think I was supposed to laugh.

voice.

[cashlin]

You were supposed to get scared. Looking back, though, this is more frustrating than scary...

video;

[hotspurred]

[The only thing that her tale inspires is confusion, as evidenced by the furrow of Henry's brow.]

How could a beast be carrying a gun?

[Absurd.]

video;

[cashlin]

[Ask Gearbox, they designed the drop system.]

I dunno why, but a lot of Pandoran wildlife, well... eats bits of metal they find lying around. Sounds fake, I know, but it's real. Sometimes it's just bullets and stuff, but every so often, you'll find weapons, or pieces of 'em, in the little bastards.

Weird, right?

text.

[murderpotato]

that was like five minutes of my life ill never get back

text.

[cashlin]

knowing ive wasted some of your time actually makes me feel p good about myself

permavid!!

[kickingand]

You lost me at Mothrakk. Don't know how you didn't lose me sooner, though.

[cashlin]

C'mon. They didn't teach you to use your imagination?

[video]

[crowboy]

I guess... the gun ain't that good? Ain't never heard of somethin' that didn' use guns droppin' a gun though.

[He's not sure what he'd do if the wildlife started dropping weaponry]

How'd ya make th' purple light?

permavid

[cashlin]

Yeah, it was shitty. Barely worth the metal it was made out of. [A beat.] Y'know, I could've just sold that thing for scrap instead, to be honest... why the hell didn't I think of that?

[Hum. Onto more important things.]

I'm a siren. Cool powers, glowy tattoos, one of six in the entire galaxy. Or universe. Not sure what applies, here.

[beanstalk]

[ Man half of this terminology is completely lost on Kanda. And because of this, he finds himself rather unimpressed with the story.

But hell if he's going to let that stop him from bothering the shit out of Lilith. ]

Sucks to be you, I guess.

[cashlin]

At least pretend to be interested.

[SHE DID A GREAT JOB, KANDA]