hadriel | duel 11. video (cw: death or dying)

Entry tags:

duel 11. video (cw: death or dying)

「It's been a while since he's made a video post in which he looks actually serious, he doesn't look sad for a change, just thoughtful.

When he finally speaks he does it uncharacteristically (for him) quietly, even though, firm.」

How do you deal with loss?

When people leave this place or, when you know you will never see someone you care for again?
When they pass away.
Do you try to forget about them... or... 「No, that thought actually hurts.」

What is that helps you to move on?

「If they do at all.

This has been in his mind ever since Maedhros and Celebrimbor were gone, and even way before. He didn't knew them personally, but he could see how much pain their departure had caused — only one person had made him feel that way, but it wasn't Yugi who left, it was him. Atem left them all and he cannot help but wonder, was he the cause of grief among his loved ones, the ones that survived him when he decided to give up his life, and then when he had to move on from the world of the living a second time?

He doesn't wish to think so highly of himself, but it's hard, specially when all his life the world did use to revolve around him. But he worries about those he left behind, they would be fine, wouldn't they? Heh, if only they knew he hasn't moved on at all, that he still talks to his partner in his head all the time... What a little hypocrite.」

「private text: Kaiba Seto」

Mokuba is gone.

「But Atem is sure he already knows. He doesn't expect a reply.」

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[someday. someday soon, she'd hope]

And you shouldn't. [it's the everything. but the hair helps.

she'd understand that urge all too well. before she died, she was aimless with no direction and no aspirations. she didn't even know if she wanted to be alive anymore. and there was time to get out of the way of that flying toilet seat and she didn't. why not?]

Because you were a ruler and a good ruler takes care of his people. [at least, that's what she'd imagine. most of the examples of leadership she had growing up fell short of that goal. scandals and stupidity were what she'd gotten to see so that by the year of her death, 2003, she didn't believe in any form of leadership that was on offer]

...holy shit. That's. Rough. And yeah. . . people here take it pretty hard when their friends or family leave. Which is totally normal, especially when one friend is from one world and their other friend is some somewhere else completely. It's not like they can just hop in the car and go visit, right? But, [she sounds hesitant] mind if I ask why you had to leave them?

[it's hard to be sure about anything that winds up causing people pain.

she sighs] I miss my family. I miss Betty. But. . . I dunno. I've been thinking about going to another world. My little sister was having a hard time letting go. Maybe it would be easier on her if I let go first. And, it's cool. That's what friends are for, right?

「That's something he's heard before, but it doesn't magically make it all better, maybe he should try a little harder.

He doesn't mind the question, though it might be hard to understand in some way, maybe not.」

I think I've told you before, about how I've been dead for a while, and how this isn't my body. Back home, I didn't have my own body either, I was a spirit sharing one with one of those who became my best friends. He took me in even if he could have refused. When the time came... I had to move on. That's what I mean when I say I had to leave them. I couldn't have stayed, I... don't think... But, I guess it was a little unfair on them.

「That's an understatement, not only for them, but for himself.」

I've been wondering about that too, if I should just go somewhere else if I had the chance but... it feels like if I were running away, doesn't feel right.

Yeah, you mentioned that. And that's good of him, to let you in. Did you know him beforehand or was it all out of--I don't know. Goodness? But if you couldn't have stayed, it's not like you can do something about that. As much as it would hurt to leave. Unfortunately, the world doesn't care much about what is and isn't fair. It sucks, but . . . it is what it is, I guess. You must miss them, though.

[her parents never let her grow up with the notion that life was fair. it was one of those illusions, like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy]

Then, what does feel right?

It's a little complicated. You could say that he is my reincarnation, an incomplete one, meant to be my vessel... But, regardless, he, Yugi, is the kindest person you'd ever come to meet. Of course I miss him, them, a lot...

「He's not supposed to! Because it had to be that way! So, he just stops himself a little there. Don't open the floodgates so recklessly, he could drown in his own emotions if he allows it.」

But you're right, it sucks, big time.

「He gets a little lost in that memory, he misses him much more than he often lets show.」

I don't know, George. Talking to you, I guess.

「She doesn't understand how nice it is just to be able to say these things, not to put up a face all the time, not even he can be optimistic all the time! Her honesty makes him be so as well, even tho he does try not to let his burdens weight on her, and he does try to appear as if wasn't truly a big deal. It is.」

Edited 2018-08-22 01:10 (UTC)

[she takes a moment to digest this] Yeah. That sounds pretty complicated. He was meant to be your vessel? Like your soul in his body? But I'm guessing that's not exactly how it worked. You can. . . tell me more about him and your other friends, if you want?

[she figures that it's a pretty big ask and one he'll likely be reluctant to go with, but she also figures that if he wasn't open to the idea of talking about them, he wouldn't have brought it up]

Loss always does. Time just makes it suck a little less.

[George has people she misses, too. not many of them and one of them left her before she even arrived in Hadriel, but they're there]

Then you can keep on talking for as long as you want.

[she wouldn't because with George, what you see is pretty much what you get. a cynical eighteen year old with a carefully guarded gooey center. but she'd get the notion of having to put up a face all the time, from observing her mother. Joy Lass had a fairly brittle mask, but it was there. George used to like poking at it, something she'd be kind of embarrassed to admit now]

Yeah, exactly. It... technically worked, but we became friends, I guess that part... no one expected that. I... didn't either.

「But it happened and when they were together they were as one, how does he explain that without hurting? Without breaking into pieces from how badly he screwed up by leaving him?」

Thanks but I... I think I've talked about that enough.

「Not nearly enough.」

I just, I think I like talking to you about things, not just... this stuff.

No one expects friends. They're just kind of a happy accident. You can't plan for that. Be nice if you could.

[if he can't do it now, she'll wait. she knows something about screwing things up by leaving people]

That's cool. But if you ever change your mind, I'll be there.

[but is he ready for enough?]

I like talking to you about things, too. And not just this stuff.

「He doesn't know, maybe never.」

I... I asked Hope about the library.

[that's fair. not everything has to be shared]

Yeah? How'd it go over?

According to him, the books were brought by the Door when Fear first opened it, so he made the library to store them thinking they could be of use for us. They don't have books, his people never had the need to make their own.

「So, asking for books might be more than difficult coming from someone who never quite used them anyway. But what a nice topic change, huh?」

Seriously? [she drags a hand down her face] That sounds like such a bullshit answer. Every society needed books, scrolls, something to keep a record of what was being done. And if they're trying to tell you otherwise, they are so full of shit.

「That's a strong reaction, to which Atem actually doesn't seem to react much.」

I... actually believe him. Their original habitants were simple minded creatures, with simple pleasures, as Rage described them. They never had the need to write things down — though, she did mention something about them painting for them.

「Not that he has seen much of that either. Probably destroyed by the Null.」

Seriously? Like, not even a recipe or a diary or attempts at bad poetry? Then why did we have the original library? That had books. None of 'em we could read, but there were still books.

[yeah, she hasn't noticed any murals or anything either. not that she's been looking for them]

Told you, Hope created it to store the books that the Door brought the first time Fear opened it. So it didn't exist before the Null attacked them.

「That explained why the books were always useless, as the rest of things, or most things that the Door spits out every month together with people.」

See, this is why you must write your book.

「Now he's just kidding around, really.」

Ugh, that sucks. There is nothing to do here. A real library would go a long way toward fixing that.

[yeah, the Door seems to cough up some useless shit. and the stores are hit or miss as far as what they provide]

Man, I can't write a book. I have no talent. Or focus. Mostly talent.

[and she's trying to joke, but damn the loss of a possibility for a library is bugging her]

「Let's hold that thought.」

You only have no talent if you say so!

[she sighs gustily]

No, I have no talent if my teachers say so. I did take Comp 101 before I quit college.

「Why u like dis?」

Your teachers suck.

「Teens. High school sucks, even he knows it.」

What's that?

「He never finished it either! ... for other reasons but hey.」

[years and years of digs in at her self-esteem from her parents, her peers, and herself, that's why]

They did kinda suck.

[and grade school and middle school. she can't remember preschool, but she's assuming she was a social pariah there, too]

Comp 101?

「This is why he's here! To cheer on her or something cheesy like that.」

Yeah. That.

[she doesn't know how to react to something like that. she's so used to being put down and putting herself down]

It was kind of stupid. Write an essay about your plans for the future. I didn't exactly have any plans.

They do that? ... It does sounds stupid. I doubt anyone ever did, and if they told you that they lied to you.

「Unless you had all your life traced before you were even born, well, that was different, but truthfully, he doesn't even think he knew what he wanted to do with his life!」

They do indeed. And I guess everyone was lying 'cause everybody seemed to have their whole futures mapped out. Right down to the house in the suburbs with a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a Golden Retriever.

[George had no idea what she wanted to do with her life. she has more direction now, but she can't do much with it until she leaves. and she's not going back to her home world]

Talk about small expectations.

「Sounds fake!」

And now? Do you have any idea?

( ooc: forever sorry about typos )

Edited 2018-08-30 17:11 (UTC)

[she shrugs] Small minds, small expectations.

...something of an idea. I think I'd like to go to medical school.

(OOC: don't worry about it! :) )

cw: suicidal ideation

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject