[Video] [Filtered from Lup Taaco]

[barold]

[There's a fidgety middle-aged man on your screens, a bespectacled man who looks like he has absolutely no clue what he's doing. Evidenced by the fact that only about half of his face is even in frame.]

Hello. Uh, no that's... G-Greetings! No that's worse...

[He sighs.]

Okay. Say that you, uh... completely hypothetically... haven't really seen your significant other in a while. Couple months. 'Cause of somethin' you did. Hy-Hypothetically. And you're hypothetically lookin' to get'em a little somethin' now that you're uh, back together again. Just a little present, like, nothin' special, j-just somethin' nice t'show y'love'em.

Your hypothetical significant other also already has everythin'. And they're magic.

[Barry hasn't gotten any answers yet, and he already looks demoralized.]

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Uh. Thanks for yer time. How do I make it stop record--

Comments

Video

[dreamsallotted]

[There's a very amused person on the other end, maybe male, maybe female. Hard to tell. Seel's arms are crossed in front of him.]

Yourself wrapped in a bow.

[barold]

[Barry chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck. There's a flush of pink over his cheeks already.]

That's-- Th-Thank you for th'nice suggestion, but I was thinkin' somethin' a little more... [He looks himself over, sheepishly.] Li'l more pocket-sized.

[video]

[pocketspa]

I can put a bow on your dick and get Angus out of the house for a few hours Barry, all you have to do is fuckin' ask.

[He doesn't even flinch at that sentence. Get with the program, Barry.]

[pRIVATE VIDEO]

[barold]

[There's a sudden sound from Barry then - like he choked on spit or air or his dignity - and while his face is beet red, he hurries to tap the little icon that privates his conversation with Taako.]

Taako that's completely inappropriate in a public forum. [It's hissed in a single breath. Barry's buttons are so huge and easy to press, he wonders how it's even fun anymore.]

If yer not gonna take this seriously, I don't want yer help!

private video;

[nonscriptum]

[Oh, boy.

Nate wouldn't consider this his area of expertise by any stretch of the imagination, in the sense that he doesn't always know where to start reparations. Fuck everything up? Sure. Panic at the thought of commitment and not-so-gently swerve away from the girl you're dating by leaving the country? Got it. Get cold feet and walk away from your marriage and pray your significant other doesn't serve you with papers? Definitely.

Fixing things?]

Jesus.

[Having never met the guy on the line Nate can only sympathize in every respect. He has a few ideas, just give him a moment, he's processing the timeline of his own screw-ups and looking for things he might have done right.]

I don't wanna pry too far, buddy, but can you tell me who you're with?

[barold]

[At least the stranger on the horn was kind enough to private their conversation. Barry tries to get comfortable on his end.]

Uh... Sure, bud. 'M not sure if y'know Lup? Lup Taaco?

[He gestures, his hand about a foot over his own head.] About yea high, dark, blonde, beautiful. Elf, pointy ears. Got a twin brother.

[It honestly wouldn't surprise him if this man knows Lup - as far as he knows, she's befriended half the city at this point.]

She's th'one.

video;

[braveoff]

[ Barry. Barry please. Drake is already grinning in the video feed, because he did know they were back together but this is sort of adorably inept. How long have you guys been married? Come on.

But he came up against the same problem when trying to figure out what to get Lup for her birthday, so. ]

I know it sounds like the others are joking about the bow, but you is really all she wants, buddy. You're probably better off with a gesture than a gift. Do something for her, make a nice new memory to make up for the slip.

[barold]

['Adorably inept' is one of the more charitable ways Barry Bluejeans has been described, honestly.

Barry sighs, nodding softly at the young man's suggestion.]

Y'have a point... Gifts are just... easier, y'know? I mean, you know her. She's real tactile.

video;

[storyseeker]

[Okay. This is going to be graphic, but if he's really looking for advice, he should be prepared for that.]

I'd say you should go down like a rock off a cliff, but if you aren't already, you're probably past hope.

[barold]

[sweet merciful Pan. Lup's friends go hard.]

That's--!

[Nope. Not gonna let her get to him. Taako has already humiliated him - he should've seen this coming when he took this to a public space.]

That's not quite what I was thinkin', Elena. But thank you for yer contribution.

video

[sciencelizard]

[At least unlike most people on this hellthread, Alphys isn't here to give The Sex Answer. She also has the benefit of knowing Lup semi-well, so she's trying to put some thought in.]

Well, uh-- gosh, that is sort of hard. Maybe like... if she already has a lot of stuff, you can find something really sweet to do together! Or even m-make something together that she can keep.

[barold]

[Bless Alphys. Bless her and her kind, gentle soul. Barry smiles, relieved.]

Y'know, that's a real good idea, Doc. Thank you. [like, yeah, actually thank you for this] Any idea what we could make together? I don't think either of us are much for craftin'.

[unnature]

[What do people who actually date others and don't just FWB or one night stand them do...]

That's easy. Just save their life. They'll be indebted to you forever, and all the rest is just water under the bridge.

[IS SHE JOKING? Maybe. This is hilarious, okay.]

[barold]

Uhhh.

[that's easy??]

Well... Say that, hypothetically, you've been married for uh... sixty-some years, and you're both, hypothetically, bound for eternity by a pact of immortality. [It sounds weird when he says it out loud.] Then whaddya get'em?

video

[faithliss]

[ Faith is only a little annoyed at the replies to this particular post, her nose wrinkling at the suggestions. Love can be shown in more ways than the sexual (but this is coming from a young woman with a fair amount of hangups in that department). ]

You could cook them a meal. It may be a simple gesture but I think it's one of the sweetest. [ Don't people show love through such means? A homecooked meal, an extra hour in bed, an evening of quiet in one another's company; those are gifts that many don't consider when it comes to their significant other. ]

[barold]

That's a good idea! Thank you, ma'am.

[Finally, someone here gets it!] Any particular recipes y'have in mind? She's the chef around here so I uh, I'd wanna try somethin' she wouldn't expect.

... Hypothetically.

[Audio]

[drabsolutelynot]

Perhaps a thoughtful note demonstrating your affection for them?

[audio]

[barold]

Hmm... Y'thinkin' like a letter? Or a poem or somethin'?

text

[abyssalarcana]

something with a personal touch! the heads of her enemies is always a thoughtful one.

[barold]

I.
Uh.

If I could avoid murder at all, I would prefer to.

Text

[murderpotato]

if you dont know what your own fuckin wife would want then there aint shit that anybody could say that would help you

but you fuck this up again and there aint gonna be enough of you left for these asshole gods to fuckin bring back

we real fuckin clear?

text.

[puzzlingly]

「That is... actually one of best answer he's seen here... huh.」

touche

anon text

[abbatis]

you shouldn't need to get them a present if they're your significant other.

They should know about your love even without it.

[barold]

Of course.
You are right.

But say I would still really like to get her a present...

video

[outofthefire]

I'm gonna have to second all the other people here and say you. That's what she wants, just you.

[barold]

Laura...

[Barry can't help it. This young lady just melts his heart.]

Y'all are real sweet. Thank you for that. I know she does... [but...] Sh-She also really likes presents.

video!

[hellosirs]

None of this sounds very hypothetical, sir. And you might want to hold the phone up a bit higher the next time you record something.

[barold]

Well, it's-- Angus, that's--

[He loves Angus, really, he does. He sees a lot of himself in the young man. Including his - admittedly gentle - smartass tone.]

I'll keep that in mind for next time, Angus. Thank you. Sometimes adults just need help without wantin' t'ask out loud, alright?

[nodogsonthemoon]

I don't know what happened between you two love birds, but I'm sure your hypothetical significant other/Lup would love anything you got her.

[Magnus hadn't pried about what happened between Lup and Barry before he got here, there was so much other shit to figure out and it seemed like a touchy subject. But if that means he gets to help his friends get back together then he is down to help!]

Except anything Merle might have gotten her in the past. I know for a fact she hates most of those gifts.

[A jellyfish hat thing is not a good look.]

I can show you how to carve her a duck!

[barold]

[Oh, Magnus. Barry is so happy to have him back. And he's even happier that the younger man wasn't here for what went down between him and Lup. Hopefully, Magnus won't feel what the gods of this place are capable of on his skin like Barry has.]

That's a real thoughtful idea, Magnus. She'd love that. [He's smiling.] Can't believe y'never got around to teachin' me how t'carve on th'Starblaster, bud.

[Video]

[vocarrah]

[Awww, he's charmed by this clumsy adorable man.]

A nice massage. I'm sure they would appreciate that.

[barold]

Hmmm... Y'know, that's not half-bad. Never given a real massage before... How hard could it be, though?

text;

[dedikated]

Alcohol.

( K a t e... )

[barold]

Well.

I.





I mean, you are not wrong.
Any recommendations?

text

[unknowable]

A nice gesture is a good place to start. A meal if they like to eat, a backrub if they get stressed a lot. If they're anything like my significant other who has everything, an elaborate revenge scheme against their enemies would work pretty well, too.

[barold]

You know, an elaborate revenge scheme might not be such a bad idea. Fuck it. She might be really into that.
What kind of revenge scheme are we talking? A huge practical joke? Rat poison in their food?

video

[so_dark_a_road]

I vote for ALL OF THE ABOVE. If you put some effort into pleasing her, you can't go wrong.

Let me know if you'd like some small thing to give as a gift, like a pair of polished earrings made of varren ivory. I'm a craftsman, and I'm also a friend of Lup's.

[barold]

Y’know Lup? Really?

[Yeah, this is just blatantly non-hypothetical at this point. Why’d he even pretend in the first place?]

That’s real impressive. Y’can make jewelry like that? [A pair of handcrafted earrings from a personal friend sounds very tempting. She would love that.] Wh-What would y’like in exchange for a pair of those earrings?

[Video]

[sneaklizard]

[ Well........]

Hey man. That-- [Hold on.] Months?

[barold]

Y-Yeah. Heh. [A lot has gone down.]

It’s a real long story. I uh, I dunno if I’m comfortable tellin’ it in a public forum.

Point bein’, I have a lot t’make up for.

video;

[knockthemdead]

[Oh, Kravitz is absolutely 100% all over this. He has no idea of what's gone down, but he knows Lup- uh, better than he used to- and he knows how to put together a thoughtful gift. He's already internally making a list of ideas.

Barry is nice. ...And maybe he hopes someone will be there to help him when the day inevitably comes that he fucks up and needs to make it up to Taako.]

If you do not have any other immediate business to attend to, I'd like to suggest an impromptu meeting to spin ideas. Are you available?

[barold]

[Kravitz. Sweet, gentle, helpful Kravitz. What a great guy. Barry knows he can trust Kravitz to not humiliate him or beat the shit out of him or judge him (openly) for his transgressions.]

Ah, yes! I’m available. I’d appreciate that a lot, bud. Where would y’like to meet?